Posted by: lylescott89 | August 28, 2009

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hey kids,


Sometimes flying is fun and then sometimes it is not.  My flight back from Indianapolis earlier this month appeared to be looking like it would be great, but no.  My bad luck popped its evil head again.


Let’s start at the beginning though.  I arrived at the airport around 10:45 AM.  They recently opened a new airport in Indianapolis and it is very, very nice.  Southwest was my airline for this trip.  I checked my bags curbside and proceeded in.  The place was essentially empty.  Very few people anywhere to be seen.  I thought this was great.  I went to security to find about four people in line.  Fantastic!  No long wait to get through security.  Oh, this was going to be a great day.


I quickly made it through security and got a phone call from Donna.  She was flying back from St Louis after a week of visiting her mother.  She needed to know which terminal to go to for Southwest in St Louis.  I did not know, but since I was already through security I just walked up to the closest Southwest representative I could find, let’s call her Barb, and asked her.  She said she did not know, but was sure that Glenda knew.  So Barb called over the intercom system: “Hey Glenda, do you know which terminal we use in St Louis?”  Again, we must remember that the airport was almost empty so this echoed throughout the entire terminal.  Glenda came over and gave me the answer I needed and I relayed the info to Donna.  All very efficient.


I wanted lunch prior to my flight so I walked down the terminal a little ways to find King David’s hot dogs.  I may have mentioned King David before, but for those who are unfamiliar with the King of all hot dogs I will tell you that there is no finer all beef dog in the entire world.  I had already had one downtown a week earlier, but I had to have just one more prior to heading home.  King David is an Indianapolis institution and you can visit for more info.  I ordered my dog and was enjoying it very much.  I had gotten about halfway through it and suddenly saw a long gray hair looking at me.  Yuck!  I told the lady behind the counter and she was disgusted.  She took the dog away from me and threw it in the trash.  She then offered me any other dog I’d like as a replacement.  Awesome, I thought.  Now I get a hot dog and a half to eat!  She quickly fixed me up another dog and pure ecstasy.  It looked as though things were going bad, but we recovered very quickly.


It was time to get on the plane now.  If you are at all familiar with Southwest’s boarding policies you know that you do not get seat assignments.  They board by a letter and a number on your boarding pass and you just find a seat that makes you happy.  Being a rather large person I prefer an exit row.  I generally get a little extra leg room and a lot of people hate the exit row so I can often sit alone.  My boarding number was A16, so I was on the plane first except for an old lady that decided she needed to get in front of me at the last second.  No matter as there would be plenty of exit row seats.


As I boarded the empty plane the first thing I noticed was that for the first time in years I had an attractive flight attendant.  Not a Hooters Hottie mind you, but certainly better than the standard grandma types I generally get stuck with.  I headed to my exit row.  The one I wanted and received was a row with only two seats instead of three.  The window seat was gone, so there was the aisle seat and then another that was still the closest to the window, but with a big space in between me and the window.  The plane began filling up.  The seat next to me remained empty as people just kept walking by.  The plane was almost full and the seat was still empty.  Would I get lucky and get to sit alone or get even luckier and get to sit next to a lingerie model?  That’s when I saw her.  She was an incredible beauty with long dark hair and, for the lack of a better term since Lynda does not like it when I use huge tracts of land, really big cans.  She was eyeing the seat.  Oh this was going to be a good flight.  There was no one in front of her and as far as I could see there were no other seats near me at all.  I was going to be the big winner.


Then, in a Peloponnesian minute, everything changed.  Suddenly and without warning my empty seat was assaulted and my dreams vanished.  A really tall and fat guy came up from the back of the plane and plopped his fat ass in the seat next to me.  He literally swiped the seat away from the brunette as he cut her off and moved his fat ass barely into the seat.  I felt the whole plane shake as he plopped himself down.  Now, I know this is a little like the pot calling the kettle black, but this guy was huge.  He was at least 6’5” tall and easily was 350 lbs.  I had to lean to the right the entire flight and those that know me know that I do not lean to the right, I lean left.  (Political humor.  Sorry.)


The brunette with the big cans and low cut top just stood there looking shocked.  Now, I am sure she was not disappointed by not getting to sit next to me, but rather by having to trek all the way to the back of the plane where fatty should have been sitting.  She sighed and walked to the back.  I turned around and looked and sure enough she was in the very back row.  I am guessing fatty was back there and uncomfortable because of no leg room and because his seat did not recline and saw the empty seat and made a break for it.  The flight was full.  No seats left.  I was stuck for the next two hours with fatty.  It was at this time I realized that the hot dogs had given me gas and I just let it fly as much as possible during the flight.  This guy made my flight miserable and I was going to do the same to him.


The cute flight attendant came by and explained our responsibilities of sitting in the exit row and asked if we were willing to accept the duties if called upon.  I was hoping fatty would say no, but he did not.  I suppose I could have said no and asked to be moved, but dang it I was there first.  Besides, if I had moved I would not have been able to torment fatty with my gas.




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