Posted by: lylescott89 | September 18, 2009

Survivor Samoa: We have a Jackass

Hey kids,

 

As we all know, I am a huge fan of Survivor.  I have watched every episode since season one and I just love it.  As a general rule I am not a fan of reality television, but I love Survivor and The Amazing Race.  A new season started last night and I’ve decided I am going to do my own weekly blog about each episode.  Now some weeks I am sure I will have more to say than others, but bear with me as I will be giving my opinions which I know you can’t wait to hear.

 

Samoa looks to be a beautiful locale for this edition.  The rocks, the waves, the crystal clear water all spectacular to see, especially in HD.  I love HD.  However, why is each season’s locale always the harshest environment ever?  How can that be?

 

Kudos to the casting department for giving us what appears to be five incredibly hot girls to compete:  Ashley, Kelly, Marisa, Monica & Natalie.  Unfortunately the rest of the cast are completely moronic as they chose to vote off the very cute Marisa last night.  Apparently I am of a completely different mindset than those on the island because the first people I would get rid of is annoying fat guys.  Sure, they want to claim that they keep those guys around for their strength, but that’s just stupid.  Most times that does not even matter in a challenge.  If it is a brute strength deal there is always another guy to pick up the slack.  Why get rid of a Hottie that was falling out of her bikini?  It makes no sense to me.

 

I am getting ahead of myself here.  The show started with the obligatory shots of animals, scenery & Jeff.  Does anyone in the world have a better job than Jeff?  Although I was scared he was going to get nailed with a giant wave at the beginning which would not have been good.  Anyway, the tribes, named Galu & Foa Foa arrived on the beach and immediately were told to pick a team leader, a job no one usually wants.  I wondered what people felt like when they got no votes.  Relieved?  Angry?  One can only guess for most of them.  This was a fun little exercise since no one knew anything about the others and were just going on physical appearance.  Since there were 20 castaways I was half expecting two of them to be quickly vanquished, but thankfully that did not happen. 

 

I should point out that each team has a guy named Russell (though only one has a woman with a mullet named Shambo and believe me that’s plenty!).  I am trying to figure out how to refer to the two Russells so you will not be confused.  I hate to call one the white Russell or the black Russell, so I am going with Evil Russell (aka white Russell) and Nice Russell (you figure it out).

 

 

The Galu tribe picked nice Russell while Foa Foa went with Mick.  From this point forward each leader had to pick whomever he thought was the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.  Mick immediately went against stereotype and chose Jaison as the best swimmer.  I say this because Jaison is in fact a black man and there is a long standing stereotype that black people cannot swim, which we found out that is a stereotype that Mike certainly seemed to believe based on his comments.  Jaison was an excellent swimmer and I am willing to bet he will be the best one on this edition because of his experience in water polo.  Mick made a good choice.

 

Nice Russell, however, did not.  He chose John who decided that the best way to win a swimming race was to compete wearing blue jeans.  I am pretty sure that is not the chosen swimwear of Michael Phelps, but I could be wrong.  Maybe that would help even the competition if Phelps was forced to swim in jeans from now on.  Again, I digress.

 

Mick chose Evil Russell as his strong man and Marisa as his agility person.  This was a great move.  Marisa wiggling around on that beam with her boobs hanging out was exceptional.  I’ll have to get this on DVD so I can see those puppies without them being blurred.  They looked spectacular.  Did the guys not have an angle on this?  If they had I have to think they would not have voted her out. 

 

Mick made a name for himself by breaking the stereotypes and choosing Jason as his swimmer, but went right back to it when it was time to choose the smartest.  Mick reached right into the bag of stereotypes and picked the Asian woman.  Yep.  Seems our guy Mick just could not break ranks twice. 

 

Even stranger was Nice Russell’s choice of Shambo as his smartest.  Now, I know I’ve been complaining about stereotypes, but come on.  Anyone wearing a mullet in 2009 cannot be that smart now, can they?  I mean, she has a mullet and models herself after Rambo.  Shannon + Rambo = Shambo.  Have I mentioned the mullet?  Oh my gosh, this woman calls herself Shambo and has a mullet! 

 

Foa Foa won the challenge and thus won some flint to make fires.  After finding camps, Evil Russell declared he is not there to work, but to have fun.  Good for him.  Let’s see what people think of you being lazy around camp.  But, Evil Russell had a plan.  He decided that he would create what he called his dumb ass girl alliance.  He went to the beautiful Ashley, whom he declared to be the dumb short haired blonde, then to the lovely Natalie, whom he called the even dumber long haired blonde and then to Marisa, the dark haired girl.  What a guy this Evil Russell is!  He is a complete jerk and I am shocked that no one could see through his crap.  He also made some sort alliance with Betsy, but she seemed to see right through him.  Come on Betsy, speak your mind and tell this creep what a jerk he really is and make sure you let everyone else know. 

 

That night, Evil Russell decided to tell a story about how he, as a firefighter, had been trapped in his home during Katrina and lost his beloved dog Rocky as his house flooded.  Then two days on the roof with an axe before being rescued.  What a story!  But that is all it was, a story.  Evil Russell later told us he never lived in New Orleans, never had a German Shepherd and was not a firefighter.  Turns out this ass clown owns an oil company in Houston and is a multi millionaire.  Evil Russell has apparently decided to go the route of Johnny Fairplay and lie as much as possible and play the pity game.  People lie playing Survivor, there is no way around that, but to make up a Katrina story and a dead dog?  Is that right or wrong?  You kids decide.

 

But that was not enough for Evil Russell.  No, Evil Russell decided that he would make everyone’s time on the island a living hell and the best way to do so was to dump out the water supply.  Why?  Who the heck knows, but it sure made sense to Evil R.  The, for good measure he decided to burn some socks.  Why?  Ask Evil R because only he can explain it.  Oh, Poor Jaison looking for his socks the next morning was a little sad.  I felt bad for him, but could not help but chuckle a little hoping he would find maybe just a piece of burnt sock in the fire. 

 

Over at Galu, John was trying to prove that being a rocket scientist is not all that it is cracked up to be.  He wandered around giving directions and checking on water flow, wind and shade while Shambo fumed and finally shouted out her feelings.  Then, everyone, save for Shambo, decided to go for a swim.  Yippee, we’re a bunch of dummies on a free island vacation splashing around in the water.  I was expecting the girls to jump on the guys shoulders and have some fights, but alas, no.

 

The immunity challenge consisted of climbing over some big ramps and then getting some puzzle pieces to a group of four waiting to put it together.  Did anyone notice how Mike did absolutely nothing in helping the girls get the puzzle together?  Naturally Foa Foa lost and then Mike complained that they needed to get rid of the weakest link, which of course would be old, fat guy Mike.  Hey Mike, look in the mirror for the weakest link.  Oh, um no mirrors on the island?  Hey Mike, look at your enormous belly for the weakest link.

 

Marisa correctly confronted Evil Russell about his wandering ways, but should have done so more forcefully.  She also should have mentioned to the other girls about how he approached her for an alliance and then the other girls in the dumb ass girl alliance would have said the same thing and perhaps they would have snuffed out the rat immediately.  Instead we were subjected to the thought of losing either Ashley or Marisa.  Marisa was the ultimate loser and she will be missed.  At least by me she will be missed.  How many more times would we have seen Marisa falling out of her clothes?  We will never know.  Again, the stupidity of getting rid of a Hottie on episode one is absolutely beyond my comprehension.  Why, if given a choice, would you keep an old fat guy or a younger fat guy over a Hottie?  I will never understand.

 

Kids, I must apologize for my recent absence.  It’s not that I was neglecting you, but rather I had nothing to tell you.  I know you find that hard to believe, but it’s true.  I do not want to give you half ass blogs.  I care about my readers.  Thanks for your continued loyalty.

 

Namaste.

 

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Responses

  1. Puppies??? Now you are calling them puppies? Very wrong to lie about your dog dying, as it is to lie about your grandmother dying. I hope it comes back to bite him in his fat ass.

  2. Great blog Lyle. You hit the nail on the head about Evil Russell. I often wonder why the producers find it interesting to have evil people on these shows. I truly would rather watch great looking guys and watching people OUTWIT each other as opposed to pouring water out and burning socks. Well whatever it should prove to be interesting. Thanks for keeping us informed and giving us your perspective on this sure to be interesting season.

  3. I had never used the term puppies before. It was strictly used to see what reaction I would get from Lynda because I knew it would.


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