Posted by: lylescott89 | November 6, 2009

Survivor Samoa: Shut up Dumbass!

Hey kids,


There are a few simple rules to Survivor that are unwritten, but apparently need to be put down in stone somewhere on the island of Samoa:


  • If you find a hidden immunity idol you do not show it to anyone.
  • Don’t spout of like an arrogant ass at tribal council.
  • When you merge and your tribe has a big advantage in numbers over the other tribe you don’t screw around and start something new.  No, you just pick off the other tribe one by one before you start eating your own.
  • Be sure to know the names of the other members of your tribe.
  • If you are going to quote baseball stats, get them right.


These rules are apparently a big mystery to those stranded in Samoa.  They just don’t learn from previous seasons do they? 


Last night’s episode started off simply enough.  We all knew the merge was coming based on the previews from last week, but before that happened we had a little bickering.  Laura’s canteen was missing and that led to some fighting between her and Shambo.  These two apparently do not go well together and that makes for good TV.  However, Shambo has the need to also complain about 90210 every time she gets into it with someone younger and prettier than her, which, frankly, is just about everyone.  Now, I never watched the original 90210 and I have not seen one second of the new incarnation.  It’s just not my idea of enjoyable television, but Shambo seems to have some personal vendetta against the show and anyone that reminds her of it.  Why bring this up so often?  I just don’t know.


Over at Foa Foa they were hanging tough.  There were only four of them left and they could feel the merge coming on soon.  Perhaps they saw the previews for next week as well.  Anyway, they decided to go in and see what trouble they could stir up and keep themselves from being voted out.  At least Russell was doing that and he had a great plan or so he thought. 


We’ll get to Russell’s great plan in a moment, but first we have tree mail and a box on the beach.  The tribes approached the box and found a note telling them of the merge and a feast.  Jeff was nowhere to be seen.  Everyone seemed happy.  Presumably Galu was happy because they could now finally pick of the Foa Foa tribe one by one and Foa Foa was happy because they could finally have a chance at individual immunity and stay in the game.  Either that or they were genuinely thrilled to be able to spend time with Shambo’s mullet.


What is it with Russell?  Can no one see through him and his lies?  The guy hates all women, that is painfully obvious.  He wanted to pick off all the women, which is the complete opposite of what I would do.  He refers to the women as stupid, but to be fair he also referred to all of Foa Foa as stupid.  So what do we see at the feast?  Monica feeding Russell grapes like he is the king of Samoa.  What a way to show off for the new tribe guys.  I was disgusted.  Of course Russell picked up on this immediately and declared himself the king.  What a jackass.  Not as big of a jackass as Erik this week, but I am getting ahead of myself.


After the feast it was time to think of a new tribe name and paint the new flag.  After minimal discussion Brett, whom I am not entirely sure has been there the whole time and apparently speaks Samoan, suggested Aiga.  Aiga, according to Brett who speaks Samoan, means extended family.  It was quickly approved and painting the flag commenced and Erik got out the best line of the night:  “What is Samoan for get the hell off my island”.  Classic.


Now it was time for Russell to shine.  And by shine I mean that it was time for Russell to wave the hidden immunity idol in front of everyone’s face with one bizarre offer after another.  He brought it first to his soul sister Laura with the oddest offer I think I had ever heard.  Russell told Laura that if she would get rid of one of her own tribe members first he would give it to her when they got to the final seven.  Final seven?  Whoever heard of a final seven?  Big deal Russell!  Laura quickly pointed out that she held the power in her former Galu tribe mates saying she had 90% and only had 10%.  Basically she told him to go screw himself and keep your dang idol because we will flush it out and get rid of you.   


So then he showed it to Monica, who was a little more gullible and told her he’d bring her to the final two.  Why do people make such dumb deals like this?  I mean everyone is lying all the time so why trust anyone?  It seems like you should just play your best game, hedge your bets and move on.  For good measure Russell all showed it to Mick and I don’t think he was all that impressed. 


Eventually Russell compared himself to Babe Ruth saying that no one struck out more than the Babe, but then again he hit the most homers.  Um, Russell, I hate to break it to you, but Hank Aaron broke the Babe’s home run record in 1974 so that is long gone.  (Someone named Barry Bonds supposedly broke Aaron’s record a few years ago, but as far as I am concerned Hank still owns it with 755 because he did not cheat) As far as the strikeouts go, wrong again fat boy.  That distinction belongs to Reggie Jackson.  If you are going to spew out baseball stats please make sure you have them right.  I don’t know all there is to know about baseball, but I can guarantee I know more than Russell.


Russell then hooked up with Shambo and the mullet and decided that Laura was the way to vote since she had spurned his earlier offer.  Now, Shambo is not just hateful of 90210 and the rest of the world for being prettier than her, she is also as dumb as a rock.  I imagine a conversation with her is less interesting than a conversation with broccoli would be.  Shambo quickly jumped at the chance to punch Laura out of the game to begin vanquishing the demons of 90210. However, some plans don’t always work out the way we want them too because…


It was time for a challenge!  A simple game of t-ball was the game and two immunity necklaces were up for grabs: one for the men and one for the women.  (For our purposes today, Shambo was assigned to the women’s group.  The mullet was forced to sit out)

The men played first.  Each one got one swing of the bat.  The field was filled with areas broken up in different point levels.  Dave went first and quickly presented Jeff with an awkward moment when he said he was better at making love than at baseball.  More than we needed or wanted to know Dave.  Eventually it was John that won for the men, which was fine since he bested Russell who had been in the lead. 


The ladies played next.  I will not bore you with what was some beautiful action watching Natalie and Monica step up to the tee to take their sexy swings.  It was hot; let’s just leave it at that shall we?  But what happened really threw a monkey wrench into Shambo & Russell’s plan:  Laura won individual immunity and was thus safe from the eviction at tribal council.  The look on the faces of Shambo & Russell said it all.  Now they were scrambling.


Back at Aiga camp it would take a rocket scientist to figure out and follow the back and forth action that was to come.  Let’s vote out Monica.  No, let’s flush out the idol by voting for Russell and then Jaison will get the last few votes and he will be gone.  No, let’s vote out Erik.  No, let’s…okay, you get the idea.


Bizarre as it may seem, Erik made his way out of his hiding place in the tree to stir things up a bit.  Initially, I think they had a good plan to vote Russell & Jaison and get rid of one of them.  John came up with the plan to vote out Monica and while I think Erik was initially against it, as was Dave, Erik finally went with it and then went to the old Foa Foa tribe members and told them that they better vote out Monica or they’d be in big trouble.  They kind of just sat there looking at him like he was insane and decided that they would vote for Erik.  Then the dump Erik plan came into being and Dave told Shambo to write Erik’s name down to which she made the other great statement of the night: “who’s Erik?”  This went on for a while and started feeling like an Ocean’s 11 movie and then finally it was off to tribal and I don’t think anyone was completely sure of what was going to happen until…


Erik decided he was never going to shut his mouth.  At tribal council Erik went off on what was left of Foa Foa, declaring them inept and inadequate and basically calling them out one by one for being lousy players.  I think it was at this point that everyone, except Shambo who is totally clueless, decided that Erik had to go.  He was a demon seed in the tribe and was alienating everyone, including his own tribe.  Russell, who seemingly was unsure of how the vote would go, pulled out his immunity idol and presented it to a very surprised Jeff.  Jeff said that it was a real idol and Russell was now immune to any votes.  Russell received no votes of course since all but two went to Erik.  Erik and Shambo voted for Jaison.  Shambo apparently went back to the original plan and looked as shocked as Erik was that he was gone.  If only Erik had taken that hidden immunity idol out of his pocket he would still be around.  What a waste.


But, the guy dug his own grave.  His attitude and words at tribal council sealed his fate.  Erik, you are officially a dumbass.  I still think the remaining Galu members need to band together and start voting out the remaining four Foa Foas the next few weeks.  It’s the smart thing to do kids.  They have the numbers.  Bring yourselves the best shout for a cool million by getting rid of your former enemies.  It’s just the best way to go right now.  See Laura, I found a way to get you to the final seven without stinky old Russell.


Until next week my friends…




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