Posted by: lylescott89 | March 16, 2010

Hamburger Mary’s

Hey kids,


The lady that reviews restaurants for the St Pete Times must be completely insane.  There is no other way to explain her praise for Five Guys and her lack of praise for Hamburger Mary’s.  If you recall, she said that the soggy, greasy fries at Five Guys were the best and the burgers were great.  She said she liked the atmosphere at Hamburger Mary’s and the jalapeno poppers appetizer, but said the burgers were just so-so.  Kids, take it from me, an actual burger expert, and trust me when I say the burgers served up by Mary are some of the best around.


I went there to meet my friend and loyal reader Brad for lunch.  He arrived shortly before I did as I had a little trouble getting parked.  Nonetheless I found a decent spot and hoofed it on over to Mary’s.  I was greeted by several smiling faces, one of which led me to our table outside on the patio.  It was such a beautiful day there was no reason to sit inside.  I can assure you kids that if I return to dine in July or August I will be sitting inside.


The waiter brought me my ice tea.  It is not often that I rave about a beverage, but the ice tea was exceptionally tasty.  It was sweet tea, which I love, and must have been blended just perfectly that day.  I briefly looked at the menu, but I knew what I wanted so why bother?  I had already perused the menu online and decided to order the Queen Mary.  The QM was a ½ lb burger with cheddar & Jack cheeses, grilled onions, thick sliced bacon, lettuce, tomato and 1000 Island dressing.  I got the seasoned fries with it.  Brad ordered Buffy the Hamburger Slayer which is also a ½ lb burger, but this one was stabbed with garlic cloves, doused in red wine, Swiss cheese, Caesar dressing, lettuce and tomato.  He chose the onion rings.  All the burgers are served on a Hawaiian King roll.


The burgers arrived soon and they were huge.  They were served with a giant knife in the middle and believe me when I tell you that they do need to be cut in half.  They are just too darn big and messy to pick up whole.  I started with the fries and thankfully they were the exact opposite of the fries that the dingy lady with the Times liked at the Five Guys.  These fires were crisp and seasoned to perfection.  They were not flaccid like the Five Guys fries.  No, these fries were supreme in their design and flavor.  Brad let me have a giant onion ring and I have to say it was incredibly delicious as well. 


I cut my burger in half and saw that it was cooked just as I had ordered.  I dove right in and dove right in.  It was pure ambrosia.  Heaven on a bun.  It was absolutely delicious.  I took another bite and the second bite was even better.  What had this lady been thinking when she said they were just okay?  Was she out of her mind?  Obviously!  You remember that scene in Harold & Kumar go to White Castle when Kumar dreams about marrying the big bag of pot?  Well this was nothing like that, but that scene always cracks me up.  That whole movie cracks me up.  Anyway, the burger was delicious and I will not hesitate to return for another.  Brad also said his burger was delicious, but you’ll have to ask him for his own review.  Perhaps he can comment at the end here and let you know how the Buffy burger tasted.


My dream of a fried Twinkie for dessert was squashed when I realized I could not eat another bite after finishing the giant burger.  I was so full I barely ate any dinner that night.  You know it has to be good if it stops me from eating dinner.


One bad thing was that my right arm got sunburned while we were sitting there.  I guess I need to plan ahead next time and put on some sunscreen.  I just did not realize it sitting there that my arm was right in the direct sunlight.  It did not hurt so you kids can stop worrying about me.


For more info on Hamburger Mary’s be sure to check out the website:


They even have veggie burgers for you vegetarians.  Next time I will try those jalapeno poppers and let you know how they taste.





  1. I can indeed confirm that "Buffy the hamburger slayer" was delicious! The onion rings, too, were some of the best I’ve had. The atmosphere was also fun, and the staff seemed great. All in all, it was a great lunch. I’ll definitely go back….

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