Posted by: lylescott89 | October 27, 2010

Are We Not Men?

Hey kids,

Sometimes people stop me for what appears to be no reason.  Then they proceed to tell me a story about something I just don’t care about.  Why is it that people have to stop me and tell me all about their personal lives when I clearly don’t care?  Do I have that look that tells people that I want to know about stupid things your husband has done?  Well after hearing a woman tell me this morning that her husband would never watch a chick flick with her and knowing that I thoroughly enjoy chick flicks just as much as a sci fi film, I guess I have to say thanks to her for giving me a subject for today.

Most people know that I am technically and physically a man, but I’m not really all that manly.  Oh sure, I love beautiful women and I enjoy football and baseball, but I don’t golf, I don’t know anything about cars and I do not drink.  (For the record I choose not to drink not for any religious or pious reasons, but rather because I think alcoholic beverages all taste like crap)  I don’t go to tractor pulls and I do not watch wrestling.  I am also terrified of insects and spiders and have absolutely no ability to make repairs around the house.  I don’t even mow my own lawn.  Well I recently saw a list of 25 things that every man should know how to do and I thought I’d share it with you and let you know whether or not I can do these things.  This list originally came from askmen.com in case you were curious.  Ready kids?  Here we go…

1. Be a Gentleman – No problem.  I am always a proper gentleman.
2. Send a proper email – Again, I am an expert at this.  Two for two so far.
3. Prepare breakfast in bed – Actually I prefer to use the stove and eat at the table with my newspaper, but I suppose I could…wait, you mean prepare breakfast in bed for someone else?  Please!  A bed is unstable and there could be crumbs and all sorts of messy stuff.  Two out of three is not a bad start to this list.
4. Manage stress – Two out of four is not bad either.
5. Make restaurant reservations – Hooters does not take reservations, but on those rare occasions that we go someplace fancy I can take care of it.  3/5.
6. Iron clothes – Yes, I know how to do this!  Four of six!
7. Purchase flowers – I’ve done this many times and consider myself an expert.  I should have been a florist, except for all these dang allergies.  Five out of seven.  Maybe I am manly!
8. Smoke a cigar – Ugh!  Gross.  No way, no how.  Forget it.  Five of eight.
9. Cure a hangover – Well since I have never had a hangover and never really been with anyone that did I have no clue how to cure it.  Hmm.  Advil?  Five of nine.
10. Keep your bar well stocked – I don’t technically have a bar, but if I did I would certainly keep it stocked with an assortment of Coca-Cola products, juices and bottled waters. However, I don’t think I would pass this test with having root beer on hand.  I’m at 50% now.
11. Throw a party – Are you kidding me?  I don’t like people in my house.  Do you know much stress this would cause me?  Look at #4 again.  Do I handle stress well?  Five of 11.
12. Play poker – Oh please!  Me gambling?  Me playing a stupid card game where I could lose my money based on the luck of the draw?  5/12.
13. Choose the right wine – Okay, if this was choosing the right whine I’d win.  Everything I know about wine I learned from watching Sideways.  So all I really can tell you is that “I am not drinking any f***ing merlot!”  5 of 13.
14. Do the laundry – I do this all the time.  My friend here at work said her husband has never done laundry.  At least I am one up on him.  Frankly doing chores around the house is manlier than anything else on this list so far.  6 of 14.
15. Sew a button – I’ve tried.  I really have.  I always get stuck with the dang needles and the button is full of messy threads when I am done.  6 of 15.
16. Read a woman’s medicine cabinet – Donna has sent me to her medicine cabinet many times to get her something and 75% of the time I come back empty handed because I can’t find anything in there.  6 of 16.
17. Speed read – I read slowly and that is never going to change.  6 of 17.
18. Do the groceries – I’ve done this many times.  Not a problem.  7 of 18.
19. Get into a nightclub – Now why the hell would I want to do this?  I’m in my jammies by 8:00 every night and there is no way I am leaving the house at that point.  A nightclub?  What would I even do at a nightclub?  What a horrible concept a nightclub is.  A bunch of drunks and loud music.  Yeah, I really want to spend my evening that way.  7 of 19.
20. Tie a tie – Well it took me a long time to learn, but yes I can do this.  However, I hate ties.  Ties are horrible and constricting and make me look stupid.  Ties were invented by vengeful women who hate men. 7 of 20.
21. Undo a bra – Please!  If I am an expert in anything it is this.  I can do it with one hand.  I’m better than Fonzie.  8 of 21.
22. Set the mood – The mood?  Well, I know how to turn off the TV.  That should count.  9 of 22.
23. Change a tire – I have a cell phone and have been a AAA member since 1993.  10 of 23.
24. Clean your home – I have a seven year old child.  My home is never clean.  Once upon a time it was and I was once very good at keeping it that way.  So based on my ability to keep it clean without a seven year old child around I am going to give myself credit for this one two.  11 of 24.
25. Leave a tip – I almost always leave a 20% tip.  More if the server is really hot.  I also tip my hairdresser, who is very hot, and the pizza guy, who is scary looking.

So my final total is 12 out of 25 or basically I can do 48% of the things a man should know how to do.  Not bad at all.  I am willing to bet though that most of the women that read this will score better than I did.  Let me know how you did.

Namaste

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