Posted by: lylescott89 | November 20, 2010

The Conservatives meet the Liberal Jesus: A Play in One Act

Hey kids,

Today I have a play for you to enjoy.  It’s a one act show so it will not go on too long, but I hope you enjoy it.

Our setting is Any Backward Town USA.  The scene is at the dinner table in a large four bedroom home with a three car garage.  In the garage are brand spanking new Lexus SUV’s.  Lester, the patriarch, is seated at the table along with his wife Maggie and their children Noah and Chloe.  Our story begins…

Maggie:  How was work today dear?

Lester:  Great.  I love capitalism.  I made a lot of money, but that damn Obama wants to take all of it away.  I passed that dang homeless guy on the way home tonight too just begging for a handout.  I hate that people are so lazy.  Get off your ass and work people.

M:  Very true honey.

L:  And how was your day at home school kids.

Noah:  Great father.  We learned that science is evil and teaches bad things and that Creation is the only answer.

Chloe:  Yes and we learned that Adam and Eve used dinosaurs to get around in the Garden of Eden.  Can you believe that scientists want us to think that dinosaurs lived millions of years before humans.

(Entire family breaks into laughter)

M:  Will you give the blessing for our meal dear?

L:  Of course Maggie.  Let us bow our heads.  Oh great and powerful Father, we praise you for these delectable bounties you have so graciously given us.  We pray for our troops that they can do your work.  We pray for our heathen Muslim neighbors and the heathen gay couple across the street that they may soon know you and learn that everything they know and do is wrong.  We pray for tonight’s NRA meeting.  We pray that death comes to Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama.  We pray that all liberals die a slow and painful death.  We pray for less taxes.  In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

(Suddenly we hear a loud noise and the front door slowly opens)

M:  Somebody’s coming in the front door!

L:  Kids, grab the guns!

(The children go to what is a very large arsenal and take out weapons for everyone, including an Uzi, grenades and a rocket launcher)

L:  Who is there?

(Suddenly, Jesus Christ appears)

Jesus:  It is I, the Prince of Peace.  Put down your weapons.  I am not here to harm you.

L:  This is America you son of a bitch and we can own as many damned guns as we want to.  It says so in the 2nd amendment.  Now, I know I have no idea what is in the other amendments, but that’s not important right now.

(Jesus’ eyes begin to glow and lasers shoot out from them, melting all the weapons)

C:  Daddy my Uzi!

N:  My rocket launcher!

M: Oh my gosh dear, this really is Jesus.  Only Jesus can shoot lasers out of his eyes strong enough to melt a gun.

L:  Our Lord has returned?

J:  Not yet my children.  I have only come to speak to you.   Why do you need weapons?  Did I not say I would protect you all your lives?

N:  Mommy you did teach us that in home school.

L:  We need them to protect our home and family and all the wealth I have acquired.

J:  Truly, I say unto you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  (Matt 19:23) You cannot serve both God and Money.  (Matt 6:24) Besides, I preached peace my entire life.  Only man created guns.  My father did not.

M:  I have been teaching this to the children Lester.

L:  Okay, I get it.  But you’re starting to sound like a liberal.  That can’t be.

J:  Oh Lester, you poor misguided soul.  I am a liberal.

(Shrieks of horror from the entire family)

J:  I have always been a liberal.  I have always been open minded.  You on the other hand…

L:  Have not?

J:  Correct.  You prayed a little while ago for our troops, yet you do not help them.

L:  What do you mean.  We applaud when we see a soldier. We say thank you on the bumper of our cars.  We fly a flag.

J:  But you do not help the homeless man on the corner.  For he too is a veteran of your wars and has suffered indignities and humiliation.  He was injured and cannot return to his former profession that he worked a lifetime to obtain.  His family deserted him.  He took a job when his service ended, but was laid off.  His unemployment has run out.  All in the name of war, which I and my father detest.

N:  You detest war?  What about our enemies and those who want to destroy us?

J:  I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  (Matthew 5:44)  War is never the answer kids.  Peace is always the answer.  I mean, really what is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

L:  Wow, I never thought about it like that before.

J:  That’s because you’re a closed minded, backward thinking, conservative republican prick who thinks of no one but himself.

M:  He sure put you in your place Lester.

J:  And do you really think that your religion is the only right way to go?  Look at your Muslim neighbors.  They are peaceful people that have done nothing to you.  They run a neighborhood watch program here.  They called the police once when they saw a suspicious man in your backyard one night.  Yet, you hate because you do not understand.  You hate because of a few bad apples.  And for crying out loud I’m Jewish and you worship me.  Is there any bigger oxymoron than you tools?

L:  I, um, er, well…

J:  You hate the poor and call them lazy, yet you do not know their story any more than they know yours.  You have a huge dinner on the table here while others go hungry throughout the world and in your own town.  But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just. [Luke 14:13 &14.]

M:  We do have plenty for leftovers we could take to the homeless shelter.  Plus there are canned goods that the kids won’t eat anyway.

J:  And for my dad’s sake send your kids to a real school so they don’t end up zombies like the two of you.  Dinosaurs did live millions of years before humans.  Did you ever take the time to consider that maybe my dad created the world by using the Big Bang Theory?  Did you ever think that things evolved after the Creation?  Did you ever think that no one has the right answer except me and dad and we’re not telling?  My gosh you people are dumb.  Scientists are intelligent people.  Listen to them.

Chloe & Noah:  We would like to go to a real school and meet other kids.

M:  We’ll talk about it kids.

L:  What about the gays across the street?

J:  What about them?  Why do you care what they do in the privacy of their own home?  How does them getting married affect you in any way?  I’ll answer for you.  It doesn’t.   It has been my experience that most people that are so adamant against gays have a lot of gay thoughts in their head already and lash out irrationally because they can’t handle it.  Go to a gay bar and kiss a guy Lester.  You may find out you like it you crazy homophobe.

M:  Lester!

J:  Love your neighbor as yourself [Matt 22:39]

N:  Mister Jesus why do you keep saying the scripture text after you say some things?

J:  Because you people worship the bible as if it were my dad’s own words and I am trying to get you to understand in a way that simple minds can comprehend.   This is a book written by men and women a long time ago.  Remember that not everything in here needs to be taken literally, but there are still plenty of good things in here for you to hear.

L:  So what are you trying to tell us Jesus?

J:  Are you people dense?  I am trying to tell you to stop living in your ass backward, money is God society and lighten up.  Quit bitching about President Obama.  He’s doing a good job.  Quit sending children off to fight to the death in senseless wars.  Quit hating and start loving.  Treat others as you’d like to be treated.  Accept others for who they are and don’t try and change them.  Live and let live.  Share your wealth.  Don’t bitch about Mexicans coming into your precious USA.  MY dad could easily obliterate your America the Beautiful in a second if he wanted.  Be nice!  Quit electing stupid closed minded and backward thinking republicans to office.  If you don’t I will come back and slap the shit out of you.

(Thunder and lightning in the background)

J:  Oh, my dad is calling me home for dinner.  Did we learn anything at all today?

L:  Well, yes I guess being a liberal is not a bad thing at all.  In fact, it’s the right way to live if we are going to be your followers.

J:  Yes, it is the only way if you are going to be my followers.  Oh, and quit trying to cheat on your taxes Lester.  If you’d elected the right people you’d be able to get the filthy rich to pay the higher taxes instead of you.  Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.  [Matthew 22:21]

M:  Lester, you tried to cheat on our taxes?

L:  Just once, but it was that damned Obama.

J:  Stop it Lester.  He has done nothing but try to help you and you have forsaken him.  Do you understand that health care for all the people in your country makes them all better citizens?  Do you not understand that healthy people shop more, go out to dinner more and work more?  Isn’t that what you capitalist like?  Dad, this is like trying to talk to a brick wall.

God:  I told you that it would not be easy explaining things to a republican.  They only hear what they want and they love to spew lies and hatred just for fun.

N:  Is that you God.

G:  Yes Noah.

C:  Really?

G:  Yes Chloe.

Noah & Chloe:  Then please get us out of this nut house!

Lester & Maggie:  Kids!

Jesus:  Stop it.  No one is going anywhere.  If I have done my job your parents will change.  If not, well then I’ll be back and I won’t be happy about.

G:  I think you have done well my son.  Come on home.  Mom has dinner on the table.

M:  Mom?

J:  Yes, of course I have a mom.  God is both your heavenly father and heavenly mother.

(Maggie faints as Jesus ascends)





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