Posted by: lylescott89 | October 26, 2011

I Don’t Know a Guy/Gal

Hey kids,

I don’t know a guy.  You know what I mean.  We’ve all heard someone say “Hey, I know a guy…” but I don’t.  I don’t know a guy that can get you a deal on carpet or a guy that can get you that reservation at a fancy restaurant or the guy that can get you a Caribbean cruise for 99 bucks.  I have never met that guy.  Why is it that everyone else seems to know a guy, but I do not?  This confounds me.

I also do not know a guy that I can just call up and go to a restaurant to watch a game.  Now I know you’re thinking that I do not like to go out and watch a game as I prefer to do so in the comfort of my own home and you would be correct.  However, through no fault of my own I do not have the NFL Network in my home.  My cable provider refuses to carry it.  I would love to switch to FIOS and I have begged Verizon for their service, but I constantly get rebuffed by them.  They tell me that they have no plans at this time to offer FIOS in my area.  The fact that I get at least one flyer a week in my mail telling me how great FIOS is and that I should switch apparently means nothing to them.  Now why do I get these flyers every week if I cannot have the service?

But I digress.  I do not get the NFL Network and in a few weeks they will start broadcasting some regular season games that I will not be able to enjoy unless I go out somewhere to watch them.  I have had to suffer for years and this year appears no different.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that they always seem to have some pretty good games scheduled.  Hey, it’s not like they schedule a dog like Seattle vs. Cleveland.

Yet there are still more problems ahead of me before I can get out of the house to watch a game out someplace.  Let me count them out for you.

1. I don’t have a guy.  If I am going to be headed out of the house to watch TV I really do not want to do it alone.  I need a guy (or a gal, I do not discriminate) to sit and watch the game with.  It’s fine to sit at home and watch the game alone because that’s normal, but sitting alone at a sports establishment is just pathetic. After all who am I going to talk to during the commercials?  At home I can flip the channels so who cares.
2. Donna won’t let me.  She thinks it is totally ridiculous for me to go sit and spend money in a restaurant just so I can watch a game.  While I understand that to a point I honestly cannot just sit someplace and just drink water and eat free bread all night long.  I have to order something.  Plus I’ll need to leave a tip.
3. I don’t drink and there is a tendency for a lot of beer drinking to go on at these things.  I kind of feel out of place.
4. I hate leaving the house at night.  Once I am home I am generally home for the duration.  Getting dressed (and by that I mean putting on shoes) is a pain.  We should not forget that I am the most boring person in the world.

With all this in mind I have decided to do some things differently this year.  I am going to try, and by try I mean try, to go out and watch at least one NFL Network game this season.  When?  Who knows?  Where?  That’s tough to say.  I could easily go to Hooters, Tilted Kilt or the Winghouse, but frankly there are a lot more interesting things there to watch than football.  I’m not sure if I want the distraction.  With whom shall I go?  Well that’s where you come in kids.  I am looking for a guy/gal that is willing to sit in a restaurant (not a bar) and watch an entire NFL game with me.  Are you that guy/gal or do you know a guy/gal that would be a suitable match for me?  The person must meet certain criteria.  He/she:

• Must be knowledgeable of the game of football.  I can’t have a novice there asking me questions.
• Must be willing to stay until the game ends or at the very least the end of the third quarter.
• Must not drink to the point of excess.  I don’t want to have to drive you home.  I will, but I don’t want to.
• Must be willing to travel to a place that I like.
• Must not expect me to pay for everything.  I want this person to be my guy/gal and not an escort that I have paid to spend the evening with me.  I’ll splurge for the appetizer, but that’s it.  Okay, maybe dessert.
• Must keep conversation to a minimum.  We’re there to watch the game, not analyze it.
• During commercials must be willing to make fun of the other patrons the same way they are probably making fun of us.
• Must meet Donnas’ approval and not be a bad influence on me.

Are you the guy/gal for me?  Are you ready for the commitment?  Or do you know the right guy/gal football watching partner for me?  Please, let me know ASAP.



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