Posted by: lylescott89 | February 9, 2012

What Steve Martin Believes

Hey kids,

On my recent cruise I made a reference to a bit Steve Martin did in the early 80’s called “What I Believe”.  At the time I found it hilarious and I actually had it memorized.  I know I could always make someone laugh by reciting the immortal words of Steve Martin.  This bit is where I initially got the idea to refer to my good friend Merrily as Hooters, a name which has stuck with her for 30 years now.  When he recited this there was some awful music in the background which is referenced in the last line.  So before you read this you should put on some really bad music.  If I may I will offer you a few suggestions:

Julie, Do You Love Me by Bobby Sherman

I’m Not Lisa by Jessi Colter

Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy

Anything ever recorded by Neil Diamond

As a public service to my loyal readers and also to those that had forgotten about this brilliant comedy bit I now present to you “What I Believe” by Steve Martin

I believe in rainbows, and puppy dogs and fairy tales. And I believe
in the family: Mom, and Dad, and Grandma, and Uncle Todd, who waves
his penis.

And I believe in 8 of the Ten Commandments, and I believe in going to
church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and
natural things that money can buy.

And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”,
“jugs”, “winnebagos”, or “golden bozos”. And you should only refer to
them as “hooters”.

And I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so
you can look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone, no matter how stupid
they are, or how much better I am than they are.

And people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots
are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story, one-bedroom

And I believe that the “Battle of the Network Stars” should be fought
with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once
was: an arctic region, covered with ice.

And I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country,
provided they can speak our native language: Apache.

And lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is
nothing worse than the music you are listening to right now.




  1. Hee hee hee! I remember that.

  2. Nice post. Steve Martin is a personal hero of mine. Have you read his memoir about his early life and his climb to the top of the comedy world, Born Standing? It’s top notch.

    • No I’ve not read it, but will add it to my ever growing list of books I plan on reading. Thanks.

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