Posted by: lylescott89 | March 14, 2012

The Republican Beatitudes

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin

Hey kids,

The republican presidential candidates scare the crap out of me.  I can hardly believe that anyone is dumb enough to vote for one of these clowns, but they have plenty of supporters.  They hate women and to put it bluntly any woman that votes for Santorum, Gingrich or Romney is completely out of her mind. (At least most people have finally realized that voting for Ron Paul is stupid.  Heck, I’d sooner vote for RuPaul) These guys have no plan for America.  They do not want to help America, they do not want to create jobs and they don’t want our environment protected.  No, all they want is to defeat President Obama.  That’s their big thing.  This is a platform based on hatred, fear and racism.  Oh and they also want more war and they want to drill for oil wherever the hell they want to.

But they love Jesus and they want you to do so as well.  You say this country was founded on religious freedom?  Sorry, but according to these ass clowns you’re wrong.  They think this is a 100% Christian nation and they are bound and determined to make sure you believe it.  I have come across a secret document that shows how right now the republicans are working on a rewrite Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.  (They find the Beatitudes repulsive and they must be corrected) Allow me to share with you some of the changes they are making.  First I’ll list the original (from the Gospel of Matthew) and then the updated version (from the Gospel of Exxon-Mobil) that will be in the brand new All American Rah Rah USA Bible.

Jesus: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Update: Blessed are the insanely wealthy for they will go to heaven first and get all the good stuff.

Jesus: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Update: We are not worried about those who mourn.  If you are suffering it is your own damn fault.

Jesus: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Update: The meek need to shut up and get out of the way.  You do not belong here, but vote for us anyway.

Jesus: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Update: Those who hunger and thirst are lazy.  The government is not here to help you, but please vote for us because we will protect you by making sure gays can’t get married.

Jesus: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Update: We will show no mercy to our enemies and if we do not have any enemies we’ll just start a war based on false pretenses.

Jesus: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Update: No one sees God but us damn it.

Jesus: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Update: Anyone that wants peace is a traitor.  War is the only answer.  If you vote for us we’ll send your sons and daughters to die for their country.  After all, you’d rather have them on the other side of the world fighting evil Muslims, right?  And no, none of our kids have to go.

Jesus: Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Update: Those who are persecuted deserve it and they will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and then executed.  However, we will ensure that each an every fetus is born.  After that we don’t give a shit.

Jesus: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Update: Wahhhhhhhh!  You people are always waging a war against Christianity and persecuting me for my beliefs.  Wahhhhhh.

Jesus: Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Update: Rejoice and be glad because since you voted for me we got that black, socialist Muslim out of office.  You will now be rewarded with a country that does not allow abortions, has no health care for its citizens, no longer allows stem cell research, no longer has a place called Planned Parenthood, has escalating unemployment and has increasing debt due to more war, no taxes on the wealthy and the fact that corporations are all now people just like you.  But you are all Christians now and you are very happy.  You’re still poor, but you like it.

The republicans are force feeding you hate and propaganda.  Wake up ladies.  Wake up America.



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