Posted by: lylescott89 | March 23, 2012

That Looked Like a Bad Date

Hey kids,

I am an observer.  Not like the bald guys with the hats on Fringe, but an observer nonetheless.  Whenever I go someplace I tend to immediately familiarize myself with my surroundings and in doing so I notice certain things.  Last night I witnessed a first date and I will tell you now that if there is a second date I will be shocked.

After a fabulous haircut by the world’s greatest hair stylist who we will call Jodie, I went to Starbucks for a free drink.  I get free drinks there quite often due to the fact that I drink coffee there a lot.  And when I get a free drink I go all out and get a venti frappuccino.  The flavor varies, but the size does not.  On this particular evening I went with the café vanilla.  Delicious.

As I sat down to enjoy my lovely beverage I was near a couple that, as I previously stated, were clearly on a first date.  From the conversation I deducted that they were set up and this meeting at Starbucks was prearranged.  Now whether they were set up by friends or some online dating service I do not know, but it hardly mattered.  This looked fascinating to me and my observer skills went into overdrive.  By this I mean that I actively pretended to be doing something else and appeared to be paying absolutely no attention to them while in reality they were my complete and total focus.  How I attained this skill I have no idea, but I only use it for good and not evil.

The daters in question consisted of a guy who was muscular, somewhat handsome (I think), tattooed and probably in his mid to late 20’s.  The girl was a very attractive girl about the same age.  She had very pretty hair.  (Remember that I had just gotten a haircut so I was in tune with hair styles at the time)  For the sake of argument we will give them both names.  Our guy will be called Marty and we’ll call the girl Cara.

Based on what I observed Cara either has an extremely limited vocabulary or was bored out of her mind.  All I ever heard her say was “mm hmm”.  Based on her body language I will go with the latter.  Now Marty, on the other hand, did not stop talking.  It was a mile a minute with him.  For your enjoyment I will now paraphrase Marty’s one man show…

Marty: This place is great.  I come here all the time.  Coffee is good.  I like seafood.  Do you like seafood?  Seafood is the best.  I eat seafood all the time.  I have a friend that goes fishing in Lake Michigan and he thinks that is seafood.  It’s not.  It’s lake food.  Who would eat lake food?  Have you had salmon?  Salmon is great.  There’s a Chinese place in this plaza.  Do you like Chinese?  It’s good, but it’s not the best ever.  Do you come to this Starbucks a lot?  I do.  Did I say that already?  Man, I could eat seafood every day.  I understand you’re from Nebraska.  I’ve never been to Nebraska.  No seafood there.  Ha, ha, ha.  I love seafood, did I tell you that?

Okay, so it is clearly not going well at this point and Marty is doing his best imitation of that guy from those old FedEx commercials back in the 80’s.  Very sad.  While all this is going on Cara is sitting there enjoying her coffee, but little else.  Other than throwing in an occasional “mm hmm” she has said nothing.  Then it happened.  The moment when I knew 100% for sure that Marty was doomed.  (As if I did not know already)  There was no going back from his next faux pas.

I had seen her as soon as she walked in the door.  A beautiful blond wearing Daisy Dukes walked in an ordered an iced coffee.  The shorts were tighter than what seemed physically possible.  For all I knew they were painted on.  She had long, slender, sexy legs that were designed for the purpose of making men drool like fools.  She was stunning and her body was completely irresistible to every heterosexual male, including Marty.  As she walked to her right to pick up her drink it was Marty’s peripheral vision that did him in.  He had seen her from the corner of his eye and his head snapped to the left with such force that he may have injured himself in the process.  I can’t blame him, per se, as it is an innate reaction.  However, he should have planned for such a devastating anomaly and switched off his hot girl meter.  It’s difficult, yes, but on a first date it is imperative.  In addition to Marty’s error he also stared way too long.  That was a definite no-no.

It goes without saying that Cara noticed this.  She saw it happen and she rolled her eyes and shook her head.  Marty did not even notice this because his attentions were, well, elsewhere.  When Marty turned back to face what I thought would be the wrath of Cara I was thrilled.  I patiently pretended to look up something on my phone and waited for the fallout.  However, Marty went right back to his blabbering.

Marty:  Have you ever been to Alaska?  I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.  I hear they have great seafood.  I could eat seafood every day.  I just love it.  Yada, yada, yada.  Excuse me for a moment.

At this point Marty went to the bathroom, hopefully to calm himself down and regroup.  Cara took out her phone and started texting to someone.  Now I have no idea what she texted, but in my mind it went something like this:

Help!  This date is a disaster.  You owe me one.  All he can do is talk about himself and his love for seafood.  I hate fish!  GET ME OUT OF HERE!

The show was over and I headed home.  I saw the blond girl in the parking lot talking to her equally hot friend.  I think she was telling her that her friend that she just got a text from Cara.

Namaste

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