Posted by: lylescott89 | June 5, 2012

Jesus Pals

Hey kids,

I wanted to share just one more story of my brief time with CCC.  As I may have mentioned previouslyJesus Pals, I hated this group and felt that the guys in charge were idiots.  After all, they played football on the beach without a football and figured that was all they needed to get people to love Jesus.  Wacky.

At one of our all too frequent meetings Fred proclaimed that we were going to become “Jesus Pals” with some ladies from ISU.  I saw this as a good thing at first.  I was guaranteed to meet a girl and also to have the distinct possibility that we would hit it off and begin a romantic relationship.  However, as with most everything in my life, nothing went exactly as I had hoped.

Fred told us that the “Jesus Pals”, or “Sweet Baby Jesus on a Stick Pals” as one of our group liked to say, worked very similarly to a Secret Santa.  I would send stuff to whichever girl I chose out of the hat and she would do the same for me.  It was more of a hook up than anything else, but Fred said that we would learn little things about each other over the next month and when we finally met we’d already be great friends.  So the assignment was for each of us to send a little gift with a note followed by a small bit of scripture.

Now as you already know, my bible knowledge at the time was similar to my knowledge of advanced chemistry.  In other words, it was non-existent.  So I would get these notes with a candy bar and some sort of uplifting scripture.  In return I would send either a cheap trinket (I had no budget for this) or the same candy bar right back to the girl.  I think my girl was named Barbara, but I’m not sure about that.  Anyway when it came time to write my scripture I would flip open the bible and just point to some random thing.  Often times I would send something from 2nd Kings and I always chose from the Old Testament.  Fred said that I could not do it like that and that I had to pick something meaningful.  Meaningful to me or to her?  Which was it?  So I ignored Fred’s advice and picked out the strangest and most random things I could find.

Since Fred was in charge of all this he took us in his tiny clown car to ISU.  We were crammed in there, but it would ultimately get worse once we picked up the girls.  When we got to ISU it got weird.  Well, weirder.  For some reason that I do not recall Fred said that we would be blindfolded when we first met our Jesus Pals.  They were blindfolded as well as we all crammed back into Fred’s clown car and proceeded to go someplace.  I recall having a girl sitting on my lap as I was getting crushed in the back seat.  I will assume Barbara was sitting on me and she smelled pretty good so I was getting very excited to see how hot she was.

We arrived at come cheap little grocery store where we were able to finally meet our Jesus Pals.  I took off my blindfold, looked around and realized that I had the (nice smelling) female version of Herman Munster as my pal.  I was crushed.  It was yet another disappointment for me in an incredibly disappointing life.

Our instructions were to go into the store as couples, stay away from each other and then each buy something for dinner.  Oh what fun.  What were the odds that each of the three couples (plus Fred and his “girlfriend”) would each buy spaghetti for dinner?  Excellent as it turned out.  At least someone did get meatballs and a head of lettuce.

As we strolled through the store Herman Barbara and I were able to discuss what we wanted for dinner and get to know each other a little better.  Thankfully she did not ask about the bizarre scripture readings I chose so I did not have to explain that.  As it turned out we had very little in common.  I was bored with this woman and desperately wanted to trade with someone.  I specifically wanted to trade with Larry who had the cute girl.  She was blond with big cans so naturally she got hooked up with the only guy in our group that was gay.

I initially suggested that we get stuff to make chili dogs, but Barbara said that we’d be better off picking up some spaghetti, sauce and garlic bread since we did not have a lot of cash and she wanted to keep the mess in her apartment to a minimum.   I agreed and reluctantly picked up a jar of meat flavored sauce, frozen garlic bread and spaghetti.

We all stuffed back into the car and, according to Fred, had to again be blindfolded so we would not see what everyone else bought.  Whatever.  When we arrived at the apartment we all got a good laugh (not really) over the fact that we all bought the fixings for spaghetti.  Fred said this had never happened before, but I did not believe him.  Since Fred was an ass and also quite sexist, he told the women to start cooking while the boys would…well, something, but I have no idea what.  I felt bad for the girls so I offered to set the table and Larry helped.  As it turned out we should have never let these women cook.  The spaghetti was not fully cooked, the garlic bread was burnt and the meatballs were bland.  I guess it served Fred right for his sexism, but why did the rest of us have to suffer?

After dinner we broke off into small groups for some bible study.  Heck, there were only eight of us how much smaller could we get?  Barbara and I got hooked up with Fred and his girlfriend.  Since it was a Sunday, the first thing that Fred asked was what we learned in church that morning.  While I had been to church that morning it was now about 10 hours later and that was long gone from my memory.  Fred went first and told us…something followed by Barbara and the poor woman that was dumb enough to date Fred.  Then it was my turn so I decided to just make something up.  Often times during church I would sit in the balcony and fantasize about having to escape quickly and jumping off the rail and swinging across the sanctuary.  I decided it would be funny to tell them that it really happened.  They did not think it was funny at all and just started at me.  So I did the whole “just kidding” thing and said the pastor talked about…prayer.  Yes, he talked about prayer.  He didn’t, but it hardly mattered.  This appeased them so we moved on.

After the small group bible study we all got back together to talk further and bore me even more.  Finally we finished and had some chocolate cake which was actually pretty good.  While we had cake Barbara asked if we could play Trivial Pursuit.  The real one and not the cheap imitator that Fred made us play.  Things were finally looking up.  We, of course, played in teams.  Yes, I got to sit with Barbara.

But even a simple game of Trivial Pursuit can turn into a nightmare.  Some people want specific answers and others are a little more lenient.  For example, if the question was who is on the dollar bill and someone said “Washington” I would accept that.  However, there was a girl that we were playing with that would not like that.  Barbara and I were cruising along, had our pie filled and were headed to certain victory.  As we were making our way back up to the center we got a question that caused a rift.  While I do not remember the question I can tell you that the answer was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Angry girl read the question.  Barb and I looked at each other, smiled and I said something to the effect of “that would be Dr. King”.

Angry Girl did not like this answer.  She asked us to be more specific and I said Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  She said that was correct, but since my first answer was just Dr. King that we got it wrong and it was no longer our turn.  Well, you can imagine what happened next.  I got angry, Angry Girl got angrier and a shouting match began.  This went on for a while, I told her that she was a stupid bitch and she threw pie pieces at me.  The game was officially over and I declared that Barb and I were the winners.  Angry Girl said there was no winner since we did not finish the game.  I said that was her fault and we won and then I think I told her to shove her game up her ass.  At that point I felt that it was a good time to leave.

We said goodbye to the girls and Barb gave me a hug and said to keep in touch.  I never saw or spoke to Barb again.  On the way home Fred asked us if we all had a good time and I said no and I do believe Larry said it was okay, but not anything he’d like to do again.  I’m not sure, but I think this was the final straw of my days with CCC and none too soon.




  1. I enjoyed your story, very funny. I love how the gay guy got the blonde with nice cans, awesome.

    • Thank you. Funny how those things just happen.

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