Posted by: lylescott89 | September 12, 2012

No I Do Not Want to Go Out on Your Boat (Unless it is a yacht filled with Hooters Girls)

Hey kids,

You read that correctly, I do not want to go out on your boat so please do not ask me.  No offense, but it’s just not fun for me.  If you enjoy it, fantastic.  More power to you, but please do not involve me.  Now I am not talking about a cruise ship.  I don’t have a problem with that.  Cruise ships have food, bathrooms and air conditioning.  And I am not talking about sailing either, but more on that later.  And no, I am not talking about a huge yacht filled with Hooters girls, although I have never been invited on one of those.  (Note: I would gladly accept that invitation and would make no complaints.  I promise.  I’m begging you Jesus to get me that invitation) No, I am talking about your run of the mill standard & smelly motorboat.

Several years ago when Donna and I were in Hawaii we took a ride on a catamaran around Kauai and got to see and snorkel around the Na Pali Coast.  That was awesome.  The water was crystal clear, the scenery was unbelievably beautiful, they fed us well and they had a bathroom.  Plus there was shade underneath if you so desired and it did not stink as we were powered by the wind.  I would do that again any day of the week, but boating in the Tampa area on some sort of noisy water craft?  Nope.  I had a discussion recently with someone and we came up with several reasons we do not like boat trips.  Let me tell you why it’s not fun for us as elegantly as I can.

1. It is friggin’ hot here.  I don’t mind being outside floating in a pool where I can get up and leave anytime I choose, but I don’t want to be trapped on a little boat with nowhere to escape the heat.  The older I get the less my ability to handle this oppressive heat.  Even if there is a canopy on the boat it is still way too hot for me.
2. Boats smell bad.  The exhaust from those little motors makes me gag.  I can’t handle the odor.
3. There is no bathroom and no running water.  I’m sorry, but I am not a caveman.  I need a genuine bathroom when the time comes and I want to thoroughly wash my hands when I am finished.
4. Boats were designed with the least comfortable seating possible.  I’m old and I am getting older and I don’t have the best back these days.  Sitting on a boat does me no favors.
5. I do not water ski (see my earlier post about my attempt at snow skiing) and I derive no pleasure from being dragged behind a boat on an inner tube.  It scares me and it hurts.
6. Let’s talk specifically about where I will boat when invited: Tampa Bay
a. There are no acceptable waterways.  None whatsoever.
b. It smells really bad all year long.
c. The water is the color of green algae and sludge.  It is not pretty to look at and I don’t want to get in it either.
d. There is nothing pretty to look at.  Nothing at all.  Not a thing.  (Again, I have never been on a boat with Hooters girls) It’s not like circling Kauai.  That was gorgeous.  I could have sat there and stared for hours.  As a matter of fact, I did. All you will see in Tampa Bay is dirty beaches littered with beer cans, mounds of phosphate, rusted old boats, industrial equipment and little islands that I don’t want to go near.
e. It is a massive production to get the boat in the water and even a bigger production getting the dang thing out.  The last time I went boating I tried to time how long it took and between getting the thing in the water and getting it out it took over an hour.  That’s an hour of my weekend gone.  I cherish my weekends.  Wasting time is not what I want to do.
f. Once on the boat and headed out to the bay you are now at the mercy of the owner of the boat.  The whole process takes hours and hours.  There is no possible way you can just go for an hour and then be done.  No, the owner wants to show off his/her boat and allegedly show you a good time.  The whole day turns into an inescapable nightmare and the weekend is ruined.
7. When the whole ordeal is said and done I have to immediately shower because I smell like a combination of gas and the stinking bay.  Plus I am exhausted from being out in the hot sun and it takes me hours to cool down.

I know what you are saying to yourself (or out loud if you are the type that does that) right now: why the heck are you writing about this?  Who cares that you do not like going out on a boat?  I’ll address that question right now: I am writing about this because I am currently bored and have nothing else to write about at this very moment.  Plus, it’s my blog and I can pretty much write about any subject I would like.  If you want to write a piece extolling the virtues of going out on a boat, go for it.  I will not object.

I also want to say that I have no dislike for people that like to go out on boats.  By all means have a great time.  I do not think you are stupid and I do not think you are crazy.  We all have different likes and dislikes and that’s normal.  I am just saying that I get invited out on boats more often that I’d like and I just want everyone to know that I’m tired of making excuses to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.  I just don’t want to go.  Is that so wrong?

But remember this: if you want to invite me on your big yacht (that has a bathroom) filled with Hooters girls in bikinis and you want me to take as many photos as I’d like, I promise I will go without complaint.  FYI: The Storm or Buccaneers cheerleaders are also acceptable.

Namaste

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