Posted by: lylescott89 | February 19, 2017

The Princess Bridge

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Hey kids,

Today’s entry is going to upset some people, however as usual I do not care.  You know how when someone offers you something and you say that you do not like it they then look at you like you are insane for not liking exactly what they like?  That’s essentially where we are going today.  I’ll tell you right now; I hated The Princess Bride.

There is a reason that I almost always decline an invitation to go to someone else’s home for dinner.  Number one I am not the least bit social and having to discuss the minutiae of every day life with people I have no interest in is interminable.  Number two I almost always dislike what I am being served. Case in point; years ago we went to someone’s home for dinner.  A plate was set in front of me with food that looked straight out of prison.  I began picking out every damn mushroom so I could at least eat some of it.  The woman asked me why I was picking out the mushrooms.  This seemed like the dumbest question since “was The Lion King based on a true story”.  Because I always pick out food I love and shove it to the side of my plate with disgust and lions obviously have a huge vocabulary.  So with all of that in mind let’s move on.

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The other night I finally took Donna to see Wicked.  It was not our first attempt and based on the horrendous traffic it seemed as though the Broadway gods were definitely against us.  But, we made it there in plenty of time and really enjoyed the show.  Bravo for Wicked!

Before the show began I was perusing the program and there was an ad in there for something so disturbing I could not believe my eyes.  No I am not referring to the Naked Magicians.  It is a show entitled “The Princess Bride: An Inconceivable Evening with Cary Elwes”.  To me, this sounded like the equivalent of a dinner consisting of nothing but mushrooms, beets and olives.  Listening to the guy from Twister wax poetically about a movie I could not stand is not something I would pay for.

In the fall of 1987 I was working one of the earliest of my many shitty jobs and as a recent college graduate with a completely worthless degree I had no idea my misery had just begun.  Donna showed me an ad in the paper for a new movie opening that day.  Back in those days it was easy to have never heard of a movie before it came out and based on the picture in the paper and the odd title I was intrigued.  Since I hated my job already and had virtually no money to speak of I of course said I would take her.  It was opening weekend and I was expecting a huge crowd.

We drove to the theater and there was a ton of open parking spaces.  We walked up to the box office and I said “two for The Princess Bridge please”.  The women behind the glass corrected me and said the movie was called “The Princess Bride” not bridge.  Obviously I misread the ad in the paper.  I asked Dona why she had not corrected me and she said she thought it was funny that I didn’t know the name.  I do have a tendency to add extra letters to TV shows and movies.  That’s why I have never watched Downtown Abbey.

We took our seats and looked around.  The theater was empty.  By the time the movie started there were about 15 more prepared to watch the film.  I had no idea that we were the unlucky ones.

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I truly am envious of this woman

I hated that movie.  It was the first time I was ever tempted to get up and leave during a movie.  However since I paid good money we stayed.  Neither of us liked the film.  It was long (actually only 98 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity) it was boring and it made no sense to either of us.  It was allegedly a comedy.  We did not laugh once.  I may have briefly chuckled, but I cannot verify that.  The whole theater was silent.  I suppose cinematically it looked okay, but the characters were not likable and overall it just sucked.  It was a film quickly forgotten by the two of us.  I honestly don’t remember one thing that happened in the film although I think there was a princess in there somewhere and someone may have had a sword.

Years later I noticed that people who likely never saw this thing in the theater loved it.  It became a cult classic of sorts.  People quoted it.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  There was an episode of The Goldbergs dedicated to it.  I was completely flummoxed.  How could anyone like this crap?  I realized I was just like the people that think I should like mushrooms or olives.  But instead of telling people that they should not like this garbage movie I just let it go.  I have never told anyone that they should dislike this movie.  I don’t get it, but then again I don’t understand the appeal of most vegetables.

So for you people out there that love this movie; good for you.  I saw it once, hated it and moved on.  I am glad Cary Elwes has a traveling show to keep him from going broke.  I wish I had a traveling show to keep me from going broke so he’s got me there.  If you are having a viewing party at your home please do not invite me.  However, if you are having a Plan 9 from Outer Space viewing party then please let me know.  I’ll bring my own food.

Namaste

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Responses

  1. I abhor The Princess Bride. I have never seen the entire movie. I was with some friends and they popped that movie in the VCR and they were all so excited about this movie. I fell asleep. The only recollection I have of this movie is that Andre The Giant was in the film. That’s it! Nothing else! Wicked is amazing!


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