Hey kids,

I have to say I am getting tired of my blog being commandeered by Sir Griffin. That foul language and snarky British humor has gotten the best of me. Oh who am I kidding, I love Sir Griffin just as much as everyone else, but I have about the same amount of time right now to dilly dally as Felicity Huffman will spend in jail.

The only way Felicity Huffman could have gotten a shorter prison sentence is if she’d also shot an unarmed black man.

— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) September 13, 2019

So let’s get right to it. Sir Griffin Stromboli, the stage is yours.

Thank you once again Pedro. We have only NBC left and my oh my are you going to be excited bored horrified thrilled when I am finished.

Bluff City Law: Wait, another fucking show about attorneys? Are you kidding me? No, no, no. I will not talk about another damn lawyer show. Fuck Bluff City Law. Premiere Date: September 23rd.

Perfect Harmony: Here we have a musical comedy with a pretty nice cast. Bradley Whitford, who I have to say is one of my favorite actors, stars as a former Princeton music professor who somehow bumbles his way into some small town church choir desperately in need of help. So basically every church choir in America.   Anna Camp from True Blood and the Pitch Perfect films stars as Ginny, who seems to be there because she does actually have vocal talent and the ability to act.  And according to IMDB someone named Amy Pawlukiewicz plays “Bathroom Girl”. Dear god please make that a recurring role. You know, kind of like Moaning Myrtle. But never give her a name. It’s funnier that way. In any case I think this show looks like a fucking good time and knee slapping laugh barrel. Actually I was a little more than mildly amused by the trailer, but I am going to watch it nonetheless. I like Anna Camp and Bradley Whitford enough to know that if they are starring in a show, they have vetted the scripts and we should be okay. Premiere Date: September 26th

Sunnyside: Kal Penn (Hey, it’s fucking Kumar! As long as this guy lives, he will always be Kumar) stars as Kumar!

NO, he is not playing Kumar!

Sorry Pedro. Kal Penn created and stars in this show about a former city councilman who had to stop doing that because of drugs and…I told you it’s Kumar!

No, no, no, no. When you watch Star Trek do you think that…

It’s Harold! OMG it’s fucking Harold on the Starship Enterprise! I remember his famous line; “Captain, I have located an M Class Planet nearby. It seems they have a distress beacon…um, beaconing”.

Kirk: “Can you hail them?”

Harold: “Hail yes Captain! This is the Starship Enterprise. What do you want M Class PLanet?”

M Class PLanet People: (In Unison) SOME FUCKING WHITE CASTLE!

NO! Damn it sir Griffin what is the show about?

Sigh, this is the show I have been waiting for. Kumar plays Garret Modi who is now teaching immigrants what they need to know in order to become citizens so they can vote that orange shitbag out of office and restore order and common decency to your country. Fuck yeah! A diverse cast? OMG, what will the white people think? Premiere Date: September 26th

Okay, that’s it, I am finished. I have an early flight in the morning and it’s back to the UK to protest that other shitbag, Boris Johnson. Shitbags on both sides of the Atlantic? Never would have had that on my asshole bingo card. Ta ta!

Thank you Sir Griffin. Now I need a nap.

Namaste

Hey kids,

Well guess what? Sir Griffin has awoken from his nap and has agreed to enlighten us with his presence once again. As always I have made the suggestion that he keep his swearing to a minimum, but I am relatively sure we all know how that will end. No time to waste today, let’s get right to our favorite foul mouthed Brit, Sir Griffin Stromboli.

THank you Pedro. I sure did enjoy my nap. I also took in some of your American football last night. I have to say it is so much more interesting than that soccer shit we have in the UK. In any case, since I was watching the game I did not see that horrendous and racist advertisement that the American Nazi Party ran on ABC during the debates last night.

Um, I did not either. Please, tell me more.

It goes like this Pedro; it was essentially a televised death threat against Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Now why your White Nationalists have chosen her as the person they hate the most, I do not know. However I do know that what they did last night was dangerous. Progressive women of color are being targeted in your country. They are being attacked and told to go back where they came from. It’s disgusting from a country that so proudly declares that it is the “home of the free and land of the brave”. Why don’t you just add “as long as you are a white Christian” to the end of that?

The ad itself was repulsive. They attempted to say that they were not racist by burning a photo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez followed by dozens of skeletons on the ground. This is the kind of shit that leads to fear which leads to hate which leads to the Dark Side. It is incitement for all of the weak minded sheep that are unaware of their white privilege.

America has a big problem and while the UK is pretty messed up too, at least it is not like this. Frankly Pedro I am fearful of returning next year. I can’t wait to leave. It is really sad that just two days ago I was reading thousands of tweets from people saying “never forget”. I’m sorry, but you all have forgotten. You should be living every day like it is September 12th.

Let me ask you one last thing before I get to my preview Pedro; why are so many people afraid of socialism? I mean, you have social security, medicare, fire departments, police, libraries, minimum wage and child labor laws to name a few. Capitalism sucks when you get right down to it. Why do so many people that make, let’s say, 40k a year, get so upset about higher taxes on millionaires?

Sir Griffin, it’s simple. People are stupid. Too many people believe that their good fortune is just around the corner. That in one fell swoop they too will be among the wealthiest Americans. It’s all a lie, of course, but you cannot argue with the ignorant. I mean, you can, but it is pointless. Again, these are the same people that seem to believe that Mexicans are streaming over the border to steal their jobs. When not a damn one of them would ever get dirty and work in a tomato field. Now, moving on?

Yes Pedro. Your country makes me very sad. I used to love it here.

We are going to be fairly brief today because all of our shows come from Fox and all opf the shows are far less than promising. We begin…

Bless the Harts: This is more of that Sunday night animation shit that Fox has been shoving down are throats for decades now.  Fox is cheap and this shit is cheap to make. I have never once watched the Simpsons and I don’t watch Sunday night cartoons. This show is shit. I have no idea what it is about, but it looks fucking awful. Cheap animation and stupid stories. Odds of me watching? This show is shit. Premiere Date: September 29th.

Hey Pedro, do you want to see a picture of me and my fucking grandfather?

Sure. Why would I object to that? I highly doubt he is as foul mouthed as you.

I stand corrected.

Prodigal Son: Oh dear god. Jesus from The Walking Dead plays Malcolm Bright, a former FBI profiler who is now called in to help the NYPD. And why you ask? Well because his father is a famous serial killer known as The Surgeon. Naturally Malcolm, who has not seen his father in years, will need to go to his father to have him solve these new serial murders. I suppose this is similar to the whole Silence of the Lambs thing, though I never saw that, but I am thinking it is similar.  The trailer seemed a little heavy handed and a bit more than over the top. Overall I would say this could be good, but I do not have high hopes. I do not have pie in the sky hopes either. I would like some pie. His mother seems a bit suspicious as well so I am sure she will be hiding something. Again, it is all too by the book. Odds of me watching? About 25%, but only because I liked Jesus on TWD. Premiere Date: September 23rd

Almost Family: We have a story here about a fertility doctor that used his own junk to conceive about 100 different children. This show deals with three of them as they get to know each other and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sir Griffin! Wake up! Wake up!

Holy fuck what is going on? Who is yelling at me? Is that you Pedro?

Yes and no. You fell asleep.

Oh I did, I was having a flashback about just watching the trailer for that godawful shitshow with false drama and “who the fuck cares” problems. Now I understand it would be difficult to focus on all 100 children, but you know what? The show I would have made could have done it. Each week we would see a different kid and we’d see other kids interacting with them with not even knowing they were related. Then we see them n the background of other kid’s stories. It would be fascinating. Instead we get this shit pile about three beautiful young women and their problems. Oh boy, just like The OC or 90210 or any other show about beautiful young women! Odds of me watching? ZZZZZ. Premiere Date: October 2nd

And that’s it Pedro, two piles of shitty shit and something that needs help. One network to go! See you this weekend Pedro.

Thank you Sir Griffin! And I give up.

Namaste

 

Hey kids,

Whew! Sir Griffin really wears me down. He is currently enjoying some rest at the resort in which he has chosen to stay on this visit. What? You don’t think I would let that foul mouthed maniac stay with me do you? Sill kids. Trix are for rabbits. Wait, that isn’t right. Anyway, while Sir Griffin naps, enjoys the pool and the buffet I will take this moment to share a story that I am pretty sure I said I would share about two weeks ago. Here we go.

I currently have over 500 friends on FB. I know approximately 25 of them. Okay, maybe 50. There are about 250 or so that I have probably never met or met once and never saw again. This is the story of one of them. I met her once and her name was not then and is not now, Tami-Lyn. I have decided to call her Tami-Lyn because it’s kind of a stupid name and I have never met anyone with this name.

This is not Tami-Lyn, but when I Googled Tami-Lyn Mugshot I got this and you know that Sir Griffin and I have a thing for redheads. The other Tami-Lyn was not a redhead.

I met Tami-Lyn once and while I did not really think we hit it off as friends, I accepted her FB friend request when she sent it. Then I pretty much forgot about her. Occasionally I would see a post from her and it was usually something stupid or mindless such as “I love lettuce” or “I have given up all sweets” or my personal favorite “I don’t understand the appeal of coffee”. This is when I realized there was something horribly wrong with this woman, but I figured all that meant was there was more coffee for me so I let it pass.

A couple of years ago she posted something about how she was now going to boycott the NFL because some players were kneeling for the National Anthem. This is when I realized that she was completely lost in her own white privilege and had no clue as to why the players were kneeling. No, she decided that a few African-American men exercising their first amendment rights offended her so terribly that she needed to post some things that were, shall we say, not nice. I thought then I should probably take her off my friends list, but just ignored her instead. If she wants to not watch football then I am sure the NFL is laughing all the way to the bank as they think about poor Tami-Lyn.

But a few weeks ago she posted something I could not ignore. I could not let it go and I was not going to be an Elsa. I had to respond. What she wrote was just plain sickening to me. It was, of course, about the orange menace. A “person” so vile and so void of  honesty, compassion and empathy that I can no longer even write his name even if it is misspelled. BTW, did you know that my third grade teacher was Miss Pelled? That’s how I can always remember how to properly spell misspelled. In other news, Tami-Lyn has trouble with your and you’re as well as there their and they’re. So it is clear that we are not dealing with anyone at the top of the food chain here. And yes, she does not know that a lot is two words.

In a nutshell (help I am trapped in a nutshell) this is what she said. (I have italicized words that she definitely did not say) “I am tired of people making fun of the Tangerine Nightmare. He is our fearless leader and deserves our respect. Even if you don’t personally like him you must respect the office. He is there working hard for all of us”. And then she posted a picture of the giant orange blob of shit and his ass eating smile.

Once I finished gagging I was able to respond. However, I had to think for a few minutes before I could say anything because I did not want to bring myself to her level nor did I want to say anything that made it seem like I was screaming and shouting like, um, a supporter of the Orange Wankmaggot. Fortunately I had already read this book which helped immensely.

So with that in mind and with my knowledge in hand of how to do this properly, I went and wrote my reply. Here is what I wrote.

He has already made it abundantly clear that he does not represent all Americans. He panders to the lowest common denominator of society; his cult like base. If someone does not agree with everything he says or does they are his enemy and he will attack them mercilessly. No, he is not my leader and he does not represent me at all. I do not want or need someone who finds Nazi’s to be “fine people” to represent me. I want the opposite. Long before you or I were born this country, which you claim to love so much, fought against tyrants, Nazis and fascist dictators. Now we have one of our very own and people such as yourself don’t seem to see that this is a problem. Have you ever noticed that he does not hold press conferences? He goes to cities and holds hate rallies in order to further inflate his own ego. If someone attends a rally to speak out against him, that person is thrown out and, often times, beaten. He meets every bit of criteria on the narcissist chart. So no. I will not respect him and I cannot respect the office that he has done so much to degrade. I have disagreed with people in leadership roles before and still was able to respect their positions. This is different. This is a white nationalist and on no level can I support or respect him.

I received several likes and a few loves on my response. A few people commented that I was well spoken. But then we had Tami-Lyn. Oh that Tami-Lyn. Does she have any clue what is going on beyond her little white bread world? Does she think at all about the posts she makes about being a good Christian and then supporting the most anti-Christian human in this country? Does she have a clue that she is not a descendent of Native Americans? Does she think it is odd that she brags about her Italian heritage yet screams that immigrants do not belong in HER country? Apparently not.

She took a while, but she did reply. Her reply was brief and frankly I do not recall all of what she wrote. (By the way if you have not guessed by now Tami-Lyn has blocked me so there is no way I can go back and see what exactly she said, but I can paraphrase) Essentially she told me that she was wrong and if it were not for people like me complaining he could get so much more done. She added that she voted for him and that she likes him.

Now let’s keep in mind here that the fact he cannot get anything done has way more to do with his incompetence and golfing than it does with me. In fact, I have zero ability to alter the way he does things. If I had that ability I would not need to be writing this right now and we’d all be much happier with him wearing a straight jacket while sitting in a padded cell somewhere muttering “won’t you love me mommy?” while drooling all over himself.

So I replied. And I replied with some questions. This is basically what I said.

You like him? Seriously? Things brings up a lot of questions. What exactly is it that you like? Let’s get past the fact that he is a disgusting looking person with orange skin, a ferret on his head and tiny hands and go right to the “man” himself. When he was on the campaign trail I distinctly recall when he mocked a disabled reporter. I found this to be reprehensible. Did you like that? Did you think to yourself “wow, that is great! Now if I vote for this ass clown I will be free to mock disabled people all I want and not have any repercussions”. Is that what you were thinking? Did you laugh along as he made fun of a man that was different than you? Let me ask you this; do you know any disabled people? I do. Do you have any friends that have disabled children? I do. Have you ever been out with a family of a young woman with Down Syndrome and had people stare and heard whispers and laughter? I have. How do you think that makes the family feel? I did not feel good about it. How about this; did you ever have a friend from high school or college maybe (wait, I don’t think you went to college) that got sick with a disabling disease such as MS, ended up in a wheelchair for years and died at a young age? I have and it did not make me laugh. So when that buffoon mocked that reporter you didn’t seem to mind at all because your life is perfect and the hell with the disabled, correct?

What about when he called all Mexicans drug dealers and rapists? Did you like that? Have you ever met anyone from Mexico? I have. Have you ever been to Mexico? I have. Never in my life has a person of Mexican heritage attempted to sell me drugs or rape me. But you know what? There are a hell of a lot of white men, and an orange one too, that have committed crimes. Does that mean we should build a wall around all of them? Do you think that every immigrant is coming to this country because they want to rape and pillage? I sure don’t. So when he said that you decided that yes, a huge wall is not a waste of money at all. You thought to yourself, “yes, finally someone will stop the flow of drugs and rapists to America. Let me wrap myself up in the flag”.

What about Muslims? Do you hate them too like Orange Julius does? Have you ever met a Muslim? I have. Have you ever spent time talking with a person of a different faith than your own? I have.  So when the idiot said he wanted to ban all Muslims from this country you said to yourself, “damn, that is a good idea. The hell with freedom of religion unless it is my religion”.

And what about his misogyny? Are you okay with that? After all you are a woman. He once famously said that you have to treat women like shit. Do you like to be treated like shit? I am not a woman, but I know I do not like being treated like that and I sure as hell would not treat a woman like shit under any circumstances. Then he said he doesn’t even wait to for the okay to kiss a woman, he just moves in on her like a bitch and that he can just grab them by their…well, I don’t know who is reading this, but I am pretty sure you know where he likes to grab. So I am guessing you like it when strange men come up to you and suddenly kiss you, is that correct? Did you get all giddy and say “damn, I like this guy. I have never understood why men just don’t grab my vagina on a daily basis. Once he is elected, all that will change. Nope, I don’t consider that assault at all”.

Well guess what? That is assault. They guy has, what, 22 or 23 women that have come forward saying he has sexually assaulted them? You are okay with that? What if it was you? What if it was your sister or your daughter? You’re okay with that? Because when you cat your vote for that moron you were saying that yes, you were okay with everything. You told the world you were okay with the racism, the ignorance, the hatred, the white nationalism, the sexual assaults and you were okay with the rich getting richer and you getting poorer. You said you were okay with a narcissist drunk with power. You said everything I ever needed to know about you and it’s not pretty. When you should have been doing research and reading about what the candidates stood for, you chose hate. You chose to believe his lies. And thanks to people like you this country is fucked up and may never recover.

With that, she blocked me. I will never know how she would have responded, but all I can say is that I think she knows I am right. I also think she is a coward just like to clown she cast her vote for.

Namsate

 

Hey kids,

I sat Sir Griffin down and we had a nice discussion about keeping things clean. Sir Griffin has made a deal with me that he will indeed keep the profanity to a complete and total minimum. I have asked that he hold it down to zero, but we shall take it one step at a time. I even had him sign a document. Sir Griffin will you please share the document?

Thank you Sir…Oh my gosh are you kidding me? You changed the document with a sharpie? What kind of childish, immature person would do such a thing?

Well, Pedro, a certain Orange pile of shit is well know for changing things with a sharpie. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with your country? What was the entire point of the 25th Amendment? Was it just for show? Is the 25th just your little show pony that you trot out every once in a while just so you know it is there, but you never actually want to do anything with it? Dear god get rid of that arsehole!

Okay, we are doing whatever we can, however you do realize that this country is full of racists correct? As well as people who will always vote against their best interests because of fear and ignorance. In fact, if you will give my blog back to me for a day I can share a story of one such stupid woman who is an absolute perfect definition of this. In fact, I have a picture of her right here which perfectly demonstrates the result a woman gets after wasting her vote on a misogynistic asshole with no redeemable qualities whatsoever:

Well, fuck yes I will give you a day to share that story Pedro!

Um, thanks. Again, I am not Pedro. But can we please get on with the preview of The CW?

Of course. Our friends at The CW bring us not one, but two, yes two new shows this fall. Way to go CW. That’s really something! However, the best part of it is that both of these new shows look fantastic.

Batwoman: We all know that I am a long time fan of Batman, The Dark Knight, The Caped Crusader or whatever name you would like to call him. I love Batman. Back in the 60’s when Adam west played Batman, Yvonne Craig played Batgirl. Let me be perfectly clear; this is not the same character. Batgirl was Barbara Gordon, the daughter of Commissioner Gordon. The character we will see in this new series is Kate Kane and she was introduced in the comics in 2006. Kate is a wealthy heiress who was inspired by Batman to fight crime in Gotham City. She is also Jewish and a lesbian which, in my opinion, makes her among the most fantastic superheroes of our generation. The problem back in the day with comic book adaptations was that they were not taken seriously. We have seen this change over the years and we now have dark, brooding characters which makes it so much more entertaining. Ruby Rose, an Australian actress who appeared in The Meg as well as Pitch Perfect 3, plays Batwoman. The plot takes place three years after Batman has gone missing from Gotham City and she becomes the new symbol of hope. I do have to say that a lot of weird shit goes down in Gotham. Arkham Asylum has to be one of the worst places to keep someone locked up, but hey, where is the fun if the villains never show up? This has the potential to be one of  the best new shows of the fall and I cannot fucking wait. Plus, Batwoman is a redhead and you know I go apeshit for redheads. I have even read that Burt Ward has been found and will make a guest appearance. Holy weight gain Batwoman, what the hell did Burt Ward eat? Are we sure that is Burt Ward and not Jerry Mathers? Hey Pedro, find me a recent picture of Jerry Mathers. Odds of me watching: 100%. Premiere Date: October 6th.

Nancy Drew: Holy crow another redhead. I must be in Ginger Heaven. This will be the third incarnation of a Nancy Drew TV series and it appears to look like it will be the best one yet. The Pamela Sue Martin episodes of the 70’s were okay for the time and I have to admit I never saw the Tracy Ryan led series of the 90’s, but I heard they were awful. There have also been several film adaptations, but none seem to take the source material as seriously or as fun as this one. Kennedy McMann plays the title role and she looks the part and plays the part with ease. She has the ability to take this role and have fun with it while at the same time making it unique and different than we have ever seen this character before. Of course, Nancy must have a great supporting cast and she does, with one exception. Scott Wolf, known in many circles as the most god awful American actor, plays Nancy’s father, Carson Drew. Let us hope that he can somehow overcome his lack of talent and actually just let the material do its job. The role was originally cast with Freddie Prinze, Jr., but apparently he is too busy doing…whatever the hell he is doing these days. I have no idea. I don’t think I have seen him do anything in 20 years! This show has a great look and as is often the case, an old Nancy, Pamela Sue Martin, will appear on the show. I guarantee I will be watching this show as it looks wonderful. Premiere Date: October 9th.

Now Pedro, did you dig me up a picture of Jerry Mathers?

I did and my name is not Pedro. Take a look and let me know your thoughts…

I asked for Jerry and you got me Ken Osmond and Tony Dow too? Pedro you must be butter because you are on a fucking roll.

Thank you Sir Griffin. And please, please, please enough with the profanity!

Yes Pedro. And you can have your blog back for a brief moment, but I still have two damned networks left to review. So be quick.

Namaste

Hey kids,

I have once again welcomed Sir Griffin back to fill us in on all the new shows premiering later this month on CBS. As always, I have instructed Sir Griffin to please keep his profane nature to a minimum, lest he be sacked and replaced by someone else.

Who the fuck are you kidding Pedro? You don’t have anyone else. I read your blogs. You have no friends other than me and I live in the UK for crying out loud.

Do you really think my name is Pedro?

You mean it’s not?

In any case, may introduce to you the one and only Sir Griffin Stromboli.

Thank you, thank you all. Hey, I was in a bar the other night when I saw a man wearing my pajamas. I knew they were my pajamas because that little flap in the back always falls a little and shows off me bum. I asked the bartender how that man got my pajamas and do you know what he told me?

Sigh, no Sir Griffin, what did the bartender tell you?

He said “that’s a mirror and don’t you ever show your ass in here again”.

That is not the least bit funny.

Did I say it was a joke? No, I didn’t! However, now that the mood has gotten just a tad bit more tense, let us take a look at the five new series that CBS will be offering to us this fall.  We shall start with something that may win the award for the worst titled TV show of the season.

Bob Hearts Abishola: Okay, what in the fucking tarnation does that mean? Bob hearts someone? Who talks like that? I am willing to bet that Bob doesn’t even talk like that. Hidden behind this badly titled show is a gem of a comedy from producer Chuck Lorre. Now I have to say that Chuck has made some fantastic shows over the course of his career and I am expecting big things from this show too. I am also begging him for a name change. How about Bob Loves Abishola or Bob kinda sorta likes Abishola or Abishola Wants Bob to Stop Stalking Her or, my personal favorite, Bridget Loves Bernie. In any case, Bob runs a sock company because, why the fuck not? (Sir Griffin I am warning you) The world of competitive socks stresses him out (I kid you not) and he ends up in the hospital where he meets and falls in love with Abishola, an immigrant from Nigeria who lives with her son as well as her aunt & uncle. She seems to have little interest in Bob, but he tries to win her over. The casting here is terrific and I am not shitting you. Billy Gardell is delightful as Bob and Folake Olowofoyeku is equal to the task as Abishola. Tony Award winner Christine Ebersole play’s Bob’s mother while Badger from Breaking Bad and Mindy St. Claire from The Good Place are marvelous as Bob’s siblings. They have real names too, but I am too lazy to look them up. Anyway, I am looking forward to this one. I hope the theme song goes like this: Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina. Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina. Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina. Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina. (OKAY, we get it, stop!) Odds of me watching? What the hell did I just say? Are you people deaf? Premiere Date: September 23rd.

All Rise: This is a show about a colony of roosters and hens. The roosters, as they are know to do, wake the neighbors in the morning by screaming cock a doodle do, which is a secret code for All Rise. The chickens begin a revolt and soon Farmer Brown is found with a pitchfork in his head. Who killed Farmer Brown and why have the hens started eating the children?

STOP! There is no way that CBS is putting on a show about homicidal chickens, although I would definitely watch it if they did.

Are you sure? I swear I saw this ad in a magazine:

NO! That is not real, now please get back to the actual show. I am begging you!

Alright, fine. The chickens are waging a war against Chick Fil A for selling bland, shitty tasting food and…

STOP!  THE REAL SHOW PLEASE!

Okay, stop shouting. You’re going to wake the chickens. All Rise is a sleep inducing show about prosecutors, judges, public defenders and other incredibly boring people that work at a courthouse in LA. Seriously, Los Angeles is a very interesting city and we are stuck in a courtroom watching these people? Give me the chickens! I am not a fan of courtroom dramas. I like courtroom comedies. Night Court was a funny show. Trial and Error was a damn funny show. (Murder board!) But courtroom dramas? Blech. But I am, however, very upset that I do not want to watch this run of the mill attorney thing: Simone Missick. She is fantastic. Well, I have only ever seen her play one other role, but she played it so damn well that I have to say that she is amazing. Simone played Detective Misty Knight in Marvel’s Luke Cage, The Defenders and Iron Fist. It also stars Jessica Camacho who was marvelous in Another Life. So what I am telling is that this show has been casted extremely well. However, it’s just another in a long line of boring courtroom dramas that will have me sleeping by the 15 minute mark. Chances of me watching? Again, I will watch the Chicken Show before this. Premiere Date: September 23rd. 

The Unicorn: Walter Goggins plays Wade, a recently widowed father of two daughters who reenters the dating scene after being encouraged by his friends. He does so only to become the most sought out and wanted single guy in town. The cast is rounded out by two great comic actors; Michaela Watkins and Rob Corddry. I saw the pilot and by golly even I was surprised at how enjoyable this show turned out to be. Goggins is generally playing a less than desirable character in most of his performances that I have seen, most notably in Justified, but he does well with comedy. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I was so punch drunk on Popeye’s Chicken Sandwiches when I watched it that I would have found anything funny. Not true. While it is true that I at one time was the kind of person that was somehow able to get drunk from eating chicken, I stopped that once they began their revolt. Had I not, someone would have been making me this shit:

Okay, so what in the holy fuck are funeral potatoes? And how in the world does this correlate to The Unicorn or the CBS? OMG, I have been bit by the chicken of hell!

Sir Griffin! My head is pounding, can you please finish. I want to go home. And again, language.

Oh, yes indeedy Pedro.  I liked The Unicorn, I like comedies in general and I recommend The Unicorn be watched with a healthy plate of Funeral Potatoes. Odds of me watching? 100% better then me ever buying funeral potatoes. Premiere Date: September 26th.

Carol’s Second Act: I have to admit this up front. I desperately wanted to hate this show. Why? Because I am kind of tired of Patricia Heaton. I watched every damn episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Then I watched every damn episode of The Middle even after it got to the point where it was so fucking ridiculous it actually made me angry when I watched it. But I loved Sue Sue Heck. Could not get enough of that character. I even watched Patricia’s short lived sitcom Back to You that she co-starred with Kelsey Grammer and a pre-Modern Family Ty Burrell, who was far and away the funniest character on that show. In any case, I just think there are a lot of talented women out there that could have played this role, but goddamnit she’s good. This show is pretty good and her supporting cast is fantastic. Kyle MacLachlan, Ashley Tisdale and Sabrina Jalese are all doing a fine job here. I have to watch this. Odds of me watching? Better than me getting a damn Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich right now! Premiere Date: September 26th.

Evil: Oh my gosh it’s fucking Luke Cage! (I give up on you Sir Griffin, I completely give up) This is the show I have been waiting for and not just because it stars Mike Colter, who is completely awesome in every aspect of the word. This is the actual premise of the show as written in the thingy I received from whoever sends such thingies: A skeptical psychologist allies with a priest and a contractor to investigate purported supernatural incidents. Now I will tell you that the show looks a little scary and very creepy. Plus, Michael Emerson who always plays a good creepy guy and Emily from Westworld, Dutch actress Katja Herbers. There are demons and all kinds of shit. I love it! I am sure it will be banned in some ass backward hole in the wall shit town in Tennessee along with Harry Potter, but fuck those arseholes!

Um, Sir Griffin that school was St. Edward Catholic School in Nashville, which is not exactly a poop town as you like to say.

I said Shit Town and it should always be capitalized when it comes to stupid ass people banning books for any reason whatsoever! Hey, I have a message for you dumbfucks at St. Edward Catholic School:

Anyway, there is a 100% chance of me watching Evil. There is also a 100% chance of your country having an evil orange pile of shit tweeting nonsense on a daily basis, but that is a story for another day. Premiere Date: September 26th.

So there you have it my friends, a grand look at CBS. For all of you keeping track at home it appears to be a decent slate of shows with just one miscue. Or as Meat Loaf once sang, Four out of Five Ain’t Bad.

Uh, Sir Griffin I believe that was Two out of Three.

Stick it Pedro!

Namaste

Hey kids,

Today I am pleased to welcome everyone’s favorite cursing Brit, fresh off the plane from the UK, Sir Griffin Stromboli. He will be guiding us, as he always does so faithfully, through the fall network TV schedule. He’s seen all the trailers and based on those little snippets of information, he’ll give you his opinions whether you want them or not. It is always important to keep in mind that Sir Griffin does not always agree with the critics or the TV executives. Sir Griffin likes to rage against the machine and always wants us to remember that This is Us is schmaltzy crap. I have once again asked him to please keep the profanity at a minimum. So let us all give a warm welcome to Sir Griffin Stromboli.

Thank you so much for welcoming once again this year. I have taken a look at everything and, as usual, we have some hits and some big misses. But before we begin I do want to again show you a picture of me earlier this year when the Orange Wankmaggot came to visit my country and bug the Queen. Why have you not gotten rid of that vile pile of shit yet? What the hell is wrong with you people?

Um, because we have a lot a racist assholes in this country.

Oh, well then. Fuck them! Here is a great picture of me as I was protesting out in the streets of London:

Well Sir Griffin I have to say that looks incredibly uncomfortable, but I am proud of you for protesting.

Thank you! There is still much work to be done, but for now let’s keep things light and talk about what is coming up this fall on ABC.  In a couple of words I can tell you this; not much. Only three new programs will be premiering in the fall, though there are several  others coming up mid-season.

I have to say that I am completely and utterly confused at some of the shows that are currently in ABC that have not been canceled yet. How in the fuck is it possible for AMerica’s Funniest Home Videos to still be on the air and going into its 31st season? Has no one heard of YouTube? Doesn’t everyone just watch videos of idiots getting smashed in their twigs and berries on their phones? Don’t we just send each other clips of prancing puppies? Are there not 10000 cat videos available? Have we not enough access to assholes setting their backyards on fire? What the holy fuck?

Please Sir Griffin, watch the language. Americans love to pretend that we are disturbed by hearing such things and we go to great lengths to censor our TV channels so we can act like we are above it all. Plus, I think you know that it’s an incredibly cheap show to produce. Seriously, how much do you have to pay the guy that hosts that show?

Who the hell is it?

I don’t know. The last time I saw the show was 1992 and Bob Saget was the host. After that I have no clue.

Well then, rant over and we shall now look at out first show:

Emergence: A mystery thriller starring Allison Tolman as police chief Jo Evans on Long Island’s Peconic Bay. The story revolves around a young girl (Alexa Skye Swinton) who is found at the site of a plane crash, however she has no memory of who she is, why she is there or even the crash itself. As it turns out in cases in which young girls are found with no memory, she has unique powers and someone (usually the government) is after her for some reason. Has she escaped from a top secret club? Was she locked up with Eleven? Is she an alien? The premise on this show is hardly original. Plane crash? Seen it. Mysterious child? Yep, 1000 times. Divorced police chief that lives with her cancer stricken father and is regularly visited by her handsome ex-husband who is concerned about her taking in this strange kid? I’m sure we have seen that at least a dozen times. However, despite the similarities to so many other shows I kind of liked the trailer. That may be due to my fondness for the cast. I loved Allison Tolman on Fargo and Good Girls. Even when she appears on a show for just a couple of episodes, like she did on Castle Rock, she kind of steals the spotlight. She’s just that good. Clancy Brown (who?) plays her father and yes, you do know who the fuck he is so quit asking that question. (SIR GRIFFIN! You were doing so well!) He was the evil prison guard in The Shawshank Redemption, he has been on Lost, The Goldbergs, Schooled as well as dozens of other films and TV shows. Plus he has done a ton of voiceover work.  In any case, I like the premise as it gives me deja vu and I like the cast. I just do not want to be dragged around forever waiting for answers. Tease me a little, give me a few clues then give me an answer. Then do it again. Don’t reveal it all at once at the end. Odds of me watching? Damn near 100%. Premiere date: September 24th. 

Stumptown: Cobie Smulders stars as Dex Parios, a military veteran deep in debt who cares for her disabled brother and works as a PI. She is a hot mess and has a lot of attitude. Plus she beats the shit out of idiotic macho men on a regular basis and you know how much I love shows that have strong female leads. Damn, I am in love already! The story is based on a graphic novel…oh who the fuck am I kidding, it’s a goddamned comic book people. (Sir Griffin am I going to have to issue a warning?) Anyway, it also takes place in Portland, OR which is always a fun place to have a show. The cast is fantastic. Jake Johnson, who is best known for his comedic roles, plays Dex’s friend and the owner of the bar she hangs out in. Okay, that is a tad bit cliche, but who cares? You have a problem with that? Am I giving you a headache? Go take an Ibu-Fucking-Profen!

Hey, that’s a real thing so you can’t call me out on that one. In any case, the cast also includes the brilliant Michael Ealy and the always welcome in any show whether she is playing good or evil, Camryn Manheim. There is no chance I am missing this show so it damn well better be good. Chances of watching are 100%. Premiere Date: September 25th.

Mixed-ish – This is a prequel to the popular ABC series Black-ish and, I have been informed, the second spin-off from that show. Apparently there is a show out there called Grown-ish that I was completely unaware of until today. We must not get that in the UK. In any case this show looks hilarious. I do love comedy and I especially love comedy that takes place in the 1980’s. Just look at my endless fascination with The Goldbergs. In this series we see Bow as a 12 year old girl being removed, along with her family, from the commune in which they had lived for as long as she had know. Bow, along with her younger brother and sister, are now living in the suburbs and attending public school for the first time. The title of the show tells you that the family is mixed-race and the show is loosely based on the life of writer and producer Kenya Barris’s real life wife. I found the trailer to be charming, fun and something that I want to see. I want to see what that life was like. I want to know the difficulties people faced growing up because we can all relate in one way or another. I can never know what it is like to be of mixed-race or black and I would never pretend to know something about it. There are so many idiots in your country that can’t think beyond the end of their noses and it sickens me. Yes, I will be watching this show, but not just for the laughs, but for the social commentary that it will hopefully bring. Odds of me watching? 100%. Premiere Date September 24th.

Three new fall shows on ABC, but all fucking worthy of being watched. Who the fuck is doing their programming?

Damn it Sir Griffin! Can you please refrain for more than a few seconds from your incessant swearing?

Can the Tangerine Nightmare refrain from lying for one day or not making your country a total shit show for just a day?

Um, no.

There you go. I will be back again later with a look at the CBS schedule. Until then, enjoy this promo direct from ABC:

Um, Sir Griffin that promo is 40 years old. But, thank you for trying.

Namaste

Hey kids,

I want to personally welcome and thank our new readers from Serbia and the United Arab Emirates. My amazingly pathetic life is finding a worldwide audience. I can only imagine how many of these people will disappear once we give Sir Griffin free range of the blog.

When I was a kid I watched a lot of TV as opposed to now when I watch a lot of TV. I had my favorites of course and there were shows I did not care for at all. I would spend my after school time watching old reruns of television classics; The Dick Van Dyke Show, Bewitched (Samantha, I would have let you do all the witchcraft you wanted. Fuck you Darrin!) Petticoat Junction (Betty Jo was my favorite, most likely because she was the only one portrayed by the same actress for the duration of the show. And hopefully I just got the theme song stuck in your head) Gilligan’s Island (despite my predilection for redheads it has always been Mary Ann for me) and My Three Sons just to name a few. I also preferred The Munsters over The Addams Family. I also watched some poorly produced science fiction programming; Lost in Space and The Time Tunnel come to mind instantly.

However, one bit of programming I was never fond of that many of my friends loved, was The Three Stooges. I hated those idiots and I still do. There was nothing I could see in all of that nonsense that was funny. Now, I like goofy humor. Show me a Marx Brothers film and I will laugh. Give me Abbott & Costello, Laurel & Hardy, Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd and again, I will find the humor. (Not a fan of the Ritz Brothers, but I did not despise them)

The reason I mention this is because the players in today’s drama will be named after Stooges. I did not care for any of them, but my least favorite was Curly. So he will be our villain. Let us begin…

I was in fourth grade and I don’t recall my teacher’s name, but I do remember that she was going to retire at the end of the school year. She was about 100 years old back then so that makes her roughly 145 or so now. Let’s call her Mrs. Buckley for the hell of it. I was invisible in her class. I got sick once and threw up all over the playground and went home one day. She did not notice. And I sat in the front row.

One particular day, Curly asked her if he could pass out invitations to his upcoming birthday party.  Mrs. Buckley asked if anyone in the class would help. I quickly volunteered, but she did not see me. She again asked if anyone would help and I again raised my hand. This time I was successful.

Curly handed me half of the invitations and I began walking around the class giving them to each student. It’s kind of a miracle I knew everyone’s name since now I can stare right at someone while they say their name a dozen times and still not remember what they said. In any case I handed them all out, but there was not one for me. Curly still had one in his hand so I figured that was mine. He came over to me and said that “Moe is out sick today and I know he lives close to you so will you take this to him?” I stood there, took the invitation and asked him where mine was. He said I was not invited. Every goddamned kid in the class got one except me. I said that I just helped you hand out invitations and I don’t even get one? He walked away.

Since I was a kid I did that thing that most kids do; I sat in the class dejected. You would think that Mrs. Buckley would have said something about treating others as we would like to be treated, but we started doing math or something inconsequential.

I started to cry on my way home (insert violin music here) And while I know it was wrong, I opened the invitation, loo0ked at the cute puppy or bunny or squirrel, then took Moe’s invitation and threw it in the sewer. The next day Moe asked me why I didn’t bring him his invitation and I said I forgot. Moe decided he was not going to be my friend anymore (can’t blame him) and he began hanging around with Shemp. Shemp!

So on the day of the party I decided I would ride my bike past Curly’s house. I did not get too close, lest they see me and start yelling at me for crashing the party, but then again I wanted to be kind of close so they would see me and invite me in. You would think his mom would not allow such shenanigans, correct? I saw them all playing games in the backyard. I saw Moe, of course, as well as Larry, Shemp and the grand bastard, Curly. There was essentially my entire fourth grade class in one backyard on a Saturday afternoon. Everyone except for me.

Maybe this is why I hate parties so much. Or it could be that I am just an introvert who would much rather spend time at home than getting dressed and going to a party just to sit on a couch and watch TV while people I don’t know try and make small talk. I hate small talk.

Anyway, I do so much enjoy sharing these pathetic stories with the people of Malta.

Namaste

 

Hey kids,

Well it appears I have struck a nerve. It seems as though stories of me being pathetic are just as big of a hit as when Sir Griffin comes for a visit to discuss his annual fall TV preview. That is coming up later this month, so hang on and be very patient kids as the foul mouthed Sir Griffin will be here for you.

Anyway, my last post attracted not only the fine people of Sweden and Denmark, but also Malta, Australia, Canada, the UK, Thailand, Germany, India, Peru, South Africa, Russia, Singapore, Montenegro, Colombia and The Netherlands. I am telling you, it is time for me to skedaddle and find a home where I am really loved and appreciated. To all of you fine folks, I say welcome and thank you. Occasionally I get a reader from the US as well. Meh.

I was in the 6th grade when I learned that the staff had planned a trip for all “graduating” sixth graders. Back then Elementary school ended at that time, followed by three years in junior high school and three years in high school. We had a meeting in the cafeteria and the principal asked the students to all write down where we wanted to go. The overwhelming response was Walt Disney World. Now, keep in mind that at this time there was no such thing as Epcot, Hollywood studios or Animal Kingdom. Just the one main park and that was it. Comparatively, going to WDW was not really all that expensive in 1976, but the powers that be said no and that we had to choose something else. We tried Sea World and Circus World, but each was a big fat no. Too far they claimed. No one wanted to sit on a school bus for two hours. Well, no teacher wanted to sit on a school bus for two hours each way with bunch of screaming children.

Eventually the staff just told us where we were going and it was lame. We were going to glorious St. Pete Beach and visiting the Aquatarium and Tussaud’s London Wax Museum with a stop in-between for lunch at McDonald’s. No one was all that excited, but it was a day away from school so there was that.

For the record, neither of those attractions exist any longer (neither does Circus World) and they were kind of on their way out when we visited. There is still a McDonald’s in the area, but I do not know if it is the same one just remodeled or if it is a different location. The Aquatarium became a bunch of condos while the wax museum was demolished and became a shopping and dining area. You really cannot have enough of those. Overall I do remember having sort of a fun day. Some kids thought it would be fun to take their lunch and eat on the beach. They were attacked by seagulls which is always hilarious.

But how did we raise the measly amount of money to go you ask? Why we had a pancake breakfast, of course. For a mere one dollar you could purchase a ticket to a pancake breakfast at the school on a Saturday morning. I love pancakes. I loved them then and I love them now. I was very excited. In addition, there was to be a prize for the person that sold the most tickets. I was damn sure I was going to win that prize.

I bought my own ticket because there was not a chance I was going to miss out on an all you can eat pancake breakfast. Then I scoured the neighborhood. I had to do this quickly before any of the other kids from school tried the same thing. I was able to go up and down my street with ease before any others even started. I ran out of tickets so the next day I asked for more. I set up at card table at the Winn-Dixie after school the following day and I sold out of tickets again. Basically what I am telling you is that I sold a shitload of tickets.

When the results were tallied I had done it. I won! I had sold the most tickets and I had won the prize. The prize consisted of two parts, one was that I would be honored and thanked at the breakfast for my efforts and two, I would have my picture taken and put in the local paper. I was so excited. I did not care about the accolades at the breakfast, but I thought it was so cool that I was going to get in the newspaper.

The crew from the newspaper arrived a few days before the breakfast so they could get the story in the paper. Tickets would still be available at the door so the more promotion the better. The reporter and the photographer arrived and they asked the teacher who the child was that had sold the most tickets. She proudly told me to stand up and she introduced me. The two guys looked at me, looked at each other and then asked the teacher “who sold the second most tickets?” She told them it was Sally. (I have no idea if that was her name or not, but I know it started with an S. Possibly a B. Maybe an R, but definitely not an M or a J) They took Sally and me down to the cafeteria.

They began asking Sally questions about how she sold so many and how excited she was to be a part of this event. They did not ask me anything. Then we went into the kitchen and Sally was directed to stand behind the counter with one of the lunch ladies (every school seemed to have the same lunch ladies. How is that possible?) posing with orange juice and pancakes. They took about a dozen shots and said, “well I think we have everything, thank you so much”.

I spoke up and said that I was the one that sold the most tickets and I sold the most by far, almost double the amount that anyone else sold. I said I was supposed to have my picture taken. The one guy said of course and directed me behind the counter where I stood with the generic lunch lady and held the orange juice. They took two pictures.

It may have been a day or two later when the story and photo was in the paper. I opened up the newspaper, optimist that I was at the time, completely expecting to see myself with the lunch lady. Unfortunately there was Sally followed by a story of how Sally sold the most tickets to the pancake breakfast. I was dejected and once again declared myself to be a complete and utter failure.

I went to sleep Friday night dreaming of those delicious pancakes covered in butter and syrup. I still had my ticket and was planning on going. Saturday morning arrived. I was sick. I could not breathe, my head was clogged, I had a fever. etc. I was not going anywhere. No pancakes, no orange juice and my quest for glory stolen by two idiots at the newspaper. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, hi Sir Griffin.

Namaste

 

Hey Kids,

I want to give you a quick update on my last post. It has, as of today, been viewed a whopping seven times. It has one like and two comments, all of which are from one of my many sisters. On the bright side I did have one reader from Sweden and one from Denmark. So to my fan in Sweden I say tack and to my Denmark fan I say tak skal du have.

So I asked around (And by asking around I mean talking to myself for I am the most interesting person I know) it seems that I get the best responses from my self deprecating humor. My son tells it a different way. He said to share what a pathetic child I was and how that has crossed over into being a fairly competent adult, while at the same time still being a complete kltz and ultimately, a failure at just about everything. The confidence that kid gives me is astounding.  Thus I will began by sharing some rather sad stories that my son finds hilarious because, well, he’s a kid.

Let me explain the title of this post for those of you who have never heard of Joe Btfsplk. Years and years ago comic strips were incredibly popular and one of the most popular was Li’l Abner. Joe Btfsplk was the guy that always had the dark rain cloud over his head. It was there to symbolize his perpetual bad luck.  No matter where he went, there was trouble. That, my friends, is my life. Wherever I go, no matter what I do, stupid things happen. I show up a minute too early for something or a minute too late and all hell breaks loose. I have never had a decent job and have been turned down for jobs I really could have excelled at for the most ridiculous reasons. I have been in line for one thing or another and they decide to let in the next 25 people free and I am number 26.

In the days before cell phones I was on my way to a job interview and was excited because I really felt I had a great shot at this one. Of course, there was an accident as well as road construction on my way. No Google to warn me of such a thing so I just went along my merry way thinking I had plenty of time and would arrive early. Nope. It was a brutally hot day and due to the myriad of delays I sat in my car for what seemed like an eternity with my blood pressure going through the roof. I finally arrived and the parking lot was being redone, so I had to park down the street and run to the business. After all of that I was only eight minutes late. I checked in at the desk and the secretary looked at me as if I were a Batman villain. To be fair, I was probably sweating a lot She told me to have a seat in the other room. The woman who had called me for the interview came into the room and said “what are you doing here”. I said I had an interview. She said “that was 10 minutes ago and you were not here so you are no longer a candidate”. I attempted to explain about the accident, the road construction and the parking lot being blacktopped, but she did not give a shit. She told me never to return. I bet the guy is Sweden is laughing his ass off right now.

But, I have tons of childhood stories too. One day I was out riding my bike with another kid. I have no recollection who he was and it doesn’t matter. We were going back to my house for a lovely beverage and we were just a short way from our destination when we saw a group of kids stopped in the road in front of us. They had their bikes positioned across the entire street so we could not pass. They called me names and said they were not going to let me go home. I said that we could just go around the other way and they said they’d block that too. What had I done? Why did I deserve this treatment? I turned to my friend (?) and said that we should go to his house instead. He told me I was on my own and went to join the mean kids in the line of bikes. Can you believe that pile of shit? He abandoned me and joined forces against me! What an asshole. I was alone. I sat there for a few minutes considering my options. Here is a map for you to better understand in Denmark. 

I went as fast as I could on my bike riding through the backyards of the neighbors homes and was able to successfully beat them all back to the safety of my home. I stood in the driveway and laughed at them as they called me names. I went inside. Many of those kids were in my class and on Monday they said they were going to beat me up if I ever tried something like that again. It was then that I began my furious rush out of school to ride home as fast as possible. 

But you know what, same shit happens when you are an adult. Only difference is that you can’t hide in your bedroom forever. 

Namaste 

Hey kids,

Virtually no one has asked me why I have not written a thing since February. That speaks volumes to me. The fact is that I stopped because my last post had 12 views. That is exactly right. 12 views, no comments, no shares and no likes. Why am I wasting my time?

I have tried my best to write posts that were interesting, provocative and fun to read. I have obviously failed. I looked back and saw posts that had as little as three views. No one cares.

I wrote funny things and some people asked me to write more seriously, so I did. Then I started writing serious things and I was asked where the funny stuff went. I cannot please everyone and it appears I am pleasing no one.

So I just started writing sporadically on whatever came to mind. No one read those either. I read several blogs and I look at the likes and see a bunch. I see them shared. I see valuable comments and discussions. I get nothing.

I don’t know. This is just sounding like a “woe is me” post and frankly, that is exactly what I intended so I have achieved my goal.

In the next few weeks I am going to attempt to write a few things and see where they go. If you are one of the potential 12 people that actually read it, maybe you can share, like or comment. Just let me know someone cares.

Namaste